Out-Of-Context Quotes From Today’s White House Press Briefing

 

• How many people showed up depends on who you classify as ‘people,’ and the President has informed me not to count Mexicans or the gay-looking.”
• “Two million supporters were in the crowd, but 1.8 million of them were wearing camouflage.”
• “The Constitution does not explicitly prohibit the Executive Office from having journalists and their families beaten. Just so you know.”
• “Severeal Supreme Court Justices said that President Trump took the oath better than Obama did.”
• “Yeah, well, where’s Hillary’s inauguration crowd, huh? Huh? We WON and you LOST, FUCKERS, so suck our HUGE REAL AMERICAN BALLS.”
• “Satellite photos have a known liberal bias.”
• “About 8 inches and thick.”
• “Since the President entered the White House, birds and small animals have been assembling outside to pay tribute to him; why hasn’t the press reported on that? Why have you not interviewed the thousands and thousands of chipmunks who want to united the country?”
• “Perhaps the turnout was due to the fact that Republicans have jobs, as opposed to the women who flew cross-country and booked hotel rooms, and are clearly unemployed and broke.”
• “Who told you that? A woman? Figures.”
• “Historians are calling President Trump’s speech the greatest since Lincoln. And before Lincoln. And Lincoln. Many historians have declared Donald Trump to be superior in all ways to Lincoln. Abraham Lincoln.”
• “I’m not taking questions from CNN. CNN are proven liars. Yes, the gentleman in the brown shirt from Breitbart?”
• “The report with the official estimate from the women’s march has come in from the parks department: 47. Can you believe that? Only 37 women showed up today. Wow. Just 27 women. No, you can’t see the report.”
• “Yeah, but how many of the women who marched were hot?”

 

On The Propriety Of Punching Nazis, An FAQ

Can I punch Nazis?

I don’t know. Can you?

I am capable of the act, yes.

Then you should.

May I?

The answer to that is also yes.

My mother told me that violence was never the answer.

My mother told me I was handsome; you can’t always listen to your mother.

What happened to letting the other guy throw the first punch?

Nazis don’t throw the first punch. Nazis burn the first Reichstag.

Aren’t the Left supposed to be the tolerant ones?

Supposed to be the smart ones, too, but they keep falling for that “I thought you were supposed to be the tolerant ones” horseshit.

What about dialogue?

Dialogue is for reasonable people acting in good faith. Dialogue is between two acceptable positions. “Taxes need to be raised” vs. “taxes need to be lowered” is grounds for dialogue. “Taxes need to be raised” vs. “Jews should be thrown in ovens” is grounds for a beating.

But isn’t this sinking to their level?

That depends. After you punch the Nazi, do you espouse the tenets of National Socialism?

No.

Then you’re better than a Nazi.

But doesn’t this just give the other side ammunition?

The other side in this argument are lying fucks who can twist any piece of information into a swastika-shaped balloon animal if you engage them in good faith; lacking a piece of information, they’ll just make shit up. Might as well punch a Nazi.

What about peace, love, and understanding?

Great goals, and once we get rid of the Nazis we can get to work on them. All three are completely impossible when Nazis are about.

When should you punch a Nazi?

Whenever you get a chance. Preferably when they’re not looking.

What if they’re smaller than you?

Hit them with your fist.

What if they’re bigger?

Hit them with a bat.

Isn’t this a slippery slope?

After we defeated the Nazis in World War II, did we keep shooting people or did the troops come home and start having babies?

The second thing.

There you go. The slippery slope argument is nine times out of ten bullshit. Human beings are good with slippery slopes: we build stairs.

What if you think you’re punching a Nazi, but you just hit a white guy with a shitty haircut?

Run.

What should you do if you hit a Nazi?

You should run then, too. Don’t get me wrong: punching Nazis is still illegal. We’re discussing morality.

But I don’t want to punch anyone.

Then get off your duff, mister, and give aid and support to the boys on the front lines. We’re all in this together. Again.

Anybody got any ideas?

Maybe this is a sign.

 

 

Le Car

Mock the French all you want, but this was the Gallic poster for Cannonball Run.

Little Aleppo’s Most Exclusive Apartment Building

Only the fanciest and the schmanciest live here. Nobody we know. 

Never Go With A Hippie To A Second Location

Everyone’s over at ThoughtsontheDead.com. It is a fine party, with a good band and drugs and a downright European variety of cheeses. There may or may not be an ice sculpture. Paul McCartney has been turned away at the door; there will be no closing all-star Hey Jude super-jam.

There are trays of this, and bowls of that; everyone’s pockets and purses are full of the other. Our party people are intelligent and witty, most of them, but all the dumb people are very limber and make poor decisions about sexual partners. The coat check will hold on to anything you want, not just coats: you could leave a hat or a Romanian. 

It’s a Bill Graham Production, of course. Precarious Lee set the whole shindig up, so try not to lean on anything. There’s no list and certainly no cover, just Big-Dicked Sheila at the door letting the right folks in.

I’m sure you’ve met the sound system.

Take your time. Find the right shoes. Make sure you’ve got your sunglasses; it’s not a party unless you need your sunglasses to leave. No rush, though: we’re not going anywhere.

TotD and The Boys will be playing all night.

Passing That Way Today

Moving time is getting closer and closer. New place is looking good, and doesn’t smell like a hippie after a two-hour nap. If you wanna burn one last one over here, or get a nostalgia tugger, then time is fleeting.

ThoughtsontheDead.com

Peg Of My Something, Not Heart

Quick question: besides Ronald Reagan mistakenly thinking she was his daughter for a few years, what has Peggy Noonan actually done?

Gentle Josh Meyers, Won’t You Come Home To Me

Two songs? Even Sinatra didn’t get two songs.

Of note: Jeff Chimenti’s power, Rhythm Devils killing it, Mickey’s bass drum has been returned (along with the pedal for it), Oteil’s super-cool leather jacket, Bobby’s volume.

Quick And Dirty

The official video will be up after the West Coast sees it, but here’s a taped-off-the-TV version. It has precisely the sound and picture quality you would expect from something taped off a TV.