Short Form

Unlucky Chick – A One-Woman Show about my relationship with Bill Kreutzmann

ACT ONE – A RAMADA INN

Scene 1: The Hostility Suite

BILL

Hey, come here and lemme stick it in you.

THE END

Lucky Chick – The Musical!

With the rave reviews and packed houses that greeted Lucky Chick–Felicity Seidel’s one-woman show about a youth spent hunting down the worst human beings on the continent to get into relationships with, getting into relationships with them, and then being surprised when guns got waved around–it was no shock that the property was snatched up by legendary Broadway producer Scott Rudin, who immediately fired Felicity after screaming at her for ninety minutes about the carpet in a limo he had once taken. (Scott Rudin doesn’t even look for reasons to scream at people anymore; that’s real show biz power.)

Writers were screamed at; musicians tolerated; choreographers placated; decorum observed; Macbeth not mentioned; directors complimented; teamsters not fucked with: it was the full Broadway. Young, gay Jews scurried to get coffee and learn the steps; older, gay Jews yelled at the writer and hit on the young, gay Jews. Like I said: Broadway.

Julie Taymor presented her vision for the show. Garcia was to be portrayed by a thirty-foot tall beardmonster puppet, and there would be three Bobbies, all harmonizing with each other, and the only way you could tell them apart would be the color of their jean shorts. (Red, white, and blue.)

Also, the entire “girlfriend story” had been lost because Julie Taymor doesn’t get the point of source material unless lawyers are forcing her to. What had been added was a section in actors dressed as Deadheads were flung from the catwalks onto the audience; the lawsuits alone were estimated to run a couple million a month.  Plus, you’d certainly kill people.

Scott Rudin was intrigued, but balked at the murder: he wasn’t in the music business, after all.

A call was put in to Gilbert and Sullivan, but they’ve been dead for around a century, and Scott Rudin’s assistant should have know that and that’s why he got that chair thrown at his head.

A second call was put into the Grateful Dead. Bobby picked up the phone and made it very clear he didn’t like this whole thing and wished people would stop giving ex-girlfriends attention and ix-nay on the ifteen-fay and so on.

A third call was put in ten minutes later. Mickey picked up and, eager to screw with Bobby, let the Broadway folks use the Time Sheath to hire Bob Fosse. Previews are scheduled for October, and Thoughts on the Dead brings you–exclusively–some of the song titles from the heretofore secret project about what it’s like to be in stone-cold teen fox in love with a Grateful Dead:

• Swappin’ Spit, Sharin’ Short Shorts
• Billy Can’t Watch
• Sweet Little Sixteen (In Four Months)
• What’s The Cover Story, Morning Glory?
• They Call The Wind Keith Godchaux (This number will more than likely be cut for time and quality.)
• Climb Every Mountain, Immolate Every Hotel (Garcia’s solo.)
• Drums
• If You Want Me To Be Bisexual, Then I Will Be For You, Bobby
• Rum Tum Tugger
• Luck, Be A Bobby Tonight
• 76 Rusty Trombones
• (I Sing) The Bobby Electric

Lucky Bobby

Today, Bobby apologized for beating that lady and leaving it out of his semi-biographical movie.

This is, of course, just silliness. The truth is so much better: the lady Bobby is pretending to punch is named Felicity Seidel, who apparently dated Bobby in the 80’s and has now written a play about it. You can read more about the play, entitled Lucky Chick, here.

TotD is launching a Kickstarter to get Ms. Seidel to perform the piece South Florida, more specifically in my home. Or, she could just send a video. Script would be okay, I guess.

I NEED TO SEE THIS.

Settle down, Beavis.

Ex-girlfriend stories about Bobby! Ex-girlfriend stories are always fun, and Bobby stories are always fun: this should be twice as much fun.

Good math.

Thank you.

…

I kinda don’t wanna know what Ginsberg is looking for.

Well, he’s not making a pass at Ms. Seidel.

No.