Thoughts On Another, Better Trailer
- Did you notice the big difference? The one enormous, if subtle, difference between the trailer for this movie about superheros punching one another and the last trailer about superheros punching one another?
- Unlike the DC universe, the Marvel Cinematic Universe contains something called “daytime.”
- Things happen in the afternoon sometimes.
- First, let’s get rid of the similarities: in both universes, superpowers are only granted to super-attractive people.
- (Ah, you’ll say: but Jeremy Renner has a face like a thumb. He doesn’t have superpowers and he’s stupid and dopey and his family-time was the worst thing about the second Avengers movie and we’re just not going to talk about the guy with the fucking bow and arrow.)
- And they’re both about a guy putting on a robot suit to fight a guy who began his fictional life as a metaphor for the immigrant story in America and dresses in red and blue.
- After those things, our products diverge.
- Both trailers feature a big reveal of a hero, but when Iron Man shows up, we’ve spent five movies and over ten hours with him. We know him: his likes (martinis, Audis), and dislikes (bad guys, Mondays, authority), so when he is shown to be on the side of the government, it is a shock and a tangible hook for the film.
- Whereas Wonder Woman just shows up.
- “Hey, guys.”
- “Hi.”
- “Sup.”
- …
- …
- …
- “I’m made out of clay, and from a lady-island.”
- And so on.
- How many people can you introduce into one movie? New Batman, new Alfred, new Lex Luthor, Wonder Woman, Doomsday, Dead Robin, new Batmobile, and we haven’t even seen Aquaman’s useless, wet ass yet.
- The Cap movie has the Black Panther, who is new and will have his own movie soon, and William Hurt playing a military guy, who is actually not new because he was in a Hulk movie which Marvel pretends didn’t happen, except for some parts of it.
- It also seems like Falcon gets some good screen time again, too.
- Whereas, the DCU is so white that Amy Adams is a part of it.
- Amy Adams is the whitest lady there is.
- Where’s Spider-Man?
- Batman vs. Superman: Dawn of Justice (which is a terrible name) also differs from Captain America: Civil War (which is a good name) in that it cribs from the Frank Miller Dark Knight Returns comic and from the Death of Superman storyline and this can do nothing but anger comic fans; the Cap movie steals the title “Civil War” and the whole “Cap and IM punch each other” from a Marvel story and that’s about it.
- The Civil War storyline was utterly absurd in the comic books: at one point, Thor was cloned and let’s leave it at that.
- Also noticed in this trailer: Black Widow doing that thing where she defeats her opponent by hitting them in the face with her crotch; War Machine getting his ass kicked; and Scarlet Witch having vague and unexplained powers.
- Is she a telepath?
- Does she use magic?
- If so, could she magic herself up a better accent than the one from the last film?
- I need to speak to Spider-Man.
- He may or may not show up, as Marvel now has his rights back and want to get him in something, but Hulk will not be in this film.
- In both movies and real life, it is very expensive to have the Hulk show up.
- Maybe the lesson from these two trailers is that bigger isn’t always better: there’s more story and emotion and drama in the harsh words exchanged by Tony and Steve than there is in the Human Tank and Alien Jesus fistfight.
- I have been promised a new Spider-Man.
Thoughts on the Dead 