Overheard At The Video Shoot For Touch Of Grey

• Who ordered all these big-booty hos?
• Was that the pyro or Garcia?
• No, Bobby: none of this is being shot in 3D.
• Well, yes, we’re  in three dimensions, but…
• Billy just punched a gaffer in the dick.
• I’m not kidding: who is responsible for all of these big-booty hos? We need to return them.
• Brent, there is no space in the video for you to do your Moonwalk.
• First off: that’s not a Moonwalk. You’re lying on your back waving your legs in the air like a giant cockroach.
• Billy just the punched the best boy in the dick.
• Bear, get away from the cameras. They’re rented.
• You dosed the cameramen? I dosed the cameramen! Jesus, how many people dosed the cameramen? We should go check on them.
• You also dosed the big-booty hos?
• Pease tell John Perry Barlow that the director is the one to yell “cut,” and it doesn’t need to be accompanied by shooting into the air.
• How many of the skeleton puppets came to life?
• All of them? Huh. You don’t say.
• But only the Mickey and Billy skeleton puppets went berserk? Just a third are currently on mindless, murderous rampages?
• …
• I can live with those numbers.
• Billy just punched the makeup lady in the dick and she’s one of those solidly-built tatted-up rockabilly chicks who does roller derby and it is not going well for Billy.
• Why is Bobby in KISS makeup?
• Mickey has stolen a camera-crane and driven it over a small crowd of people.
• No, not skeleton puppet Mickey: the actual human Mickey Hart made that decision and followed through with it and the road crew thought it was some funny shit.
• I don’t care who invited you, Hamza: we’re shooting a video, so there cannot be fifteen minutes of Bedouin-flavored jamming.

Beat Club On Down The Line

After today, this show is going into the drawer for a while: I’ve listened to it in one form or another three times today but one last time while I write: 4/21 from the  famed and feared (if you had to lift it, or clean it) Europe ’72 tour. We all Met Up at the Movies to watch the NEVER BEFORE SEEN footage of mostly unpleasant-looking men (and mostly pleasant-looking Mrs. Donna Jean in the most fetching set of trousers I’ve ever seen) staring into the middle distance and being pock-marked.

8 or nine tunes (depending on whether you count Playing once or twice) from the section of Deutschland Under the Allies and they were peaches: BIODTL draws a not-exaggerating “Whew!” from Phil after the frenzied-but-controlled run through the seven-count version; Mr. Charlie is smooth as a silk toilet; and once everyone figures out what the changes for Sugaree are, they play the fuck out of it.

As usual, TotD does not stoop to review, nothing so sullen and boredom-inducing as judgement: just random thoughts, observations, clever wordplay, and at-this-point-obligatory Billy dickpunching jokes.

• Best Mustache goes to Billy. Worst goes to Mrs. Donna Jean. She looked like a Azerbaijani woman struggling with the cabbage harvest, or a Filipino teen boy.
• From the first half of the film, you could not objectively confirm that Keith had a face. He had a skull, hair, and fingers: maybe not a face.
• Could this have been the first film capture of Full Muppet? Because Garcia’s Muppet was so damn full.
• Good thing Pigpen brought his notepad.
• Did anyone else get a good look at Billy’s shirt? At first, it just looked like another in a seemingly-neverending series of Billy’s terrible shirts, but when you got a good eyeful: there were faces all over it. It looked like nothing so much as when Freddie Krueger would take his shirt off and all the damned souls would try to smush their way out of his chest.
• I’m 90% positive Garcia was wearing Uggs.
• Poor Keith was sensitive about his bad teeth.
• Speaking of keyboardists, poor Pig stuck back there with that stupid scrapey thing during Playing(s). That’s the instrument they give the mentally-challenged kid in music class; he just looked so bored and put-upon and that look of sad anger that flashed across his face when Garcia asked to do the song again was heartbreaking and hilarious.
• Seriously: why would they make Pig play that stupid thing? The chords aren’t that tough: teach him a part, man.
• While we’re on Pig: anyone put money that he was completely alive for this show? Like if there was a Kinsey scale of life and 6 is totally alive and 1 is dead as a doornail…Pig was around a four at best here.
• Phil’s hair was ready and willing to take Bobby’s hair outside and settle this once and for all.
• Phil has no ass whatsoever. He’s just legs/back and there’s a rectum in there somewhere. The man needs his tush re-cheeked.
• The after-credits scene setting up the bad guy for the next movie was awesome.
• Most piano players have long, elegant fingers. Not Keith: he had stubby sausage paws.
• Dicks Billy punched while in Germany: Helmut Kohl, Helmut Lang; Dark Helmut; Baeder, but not Meinhoff; the Israeli Olympic team (that was the best thing that happened to them in Germany, let’s be honest); a young Angela Merkel; (she enjoyed it and chased Billy around for the rest of the tour); Wagner, for being a proto-Nazi; Goebbels (via Time Sheath technology for being an actual Nazi); Hitler (the rules say you can’t kill Hitler; they say nothing about not punching Hitler in the dick).
• Also while in Germany: Garcia accidentally burned down the Reichstag.
• And Billy didn’t need to blame it on the Jews. Not funny, Billy.
• Bobby forgot the lyrics to Truckin’ because that is how Bobby do.

Search For Where The River Ends

In a vaguely regular feature, TotD presents Search Result Safari, in which we show you actual, honest-to-blog search terms and then make fun of them. All terms are [sic].

funny please seat yourself sayings Carol, sit down: your father’s dead.  

thougts on the fead, thoughts for getting dead, dead thought’s, musings on the grateful dead, thoughts for the dead Close, but no cigar.

jerry garcia list of amphetamines Garcia wasn’t a pill guy. He liked smoking opiates, cigarettes, and rocky road.

bill kreutzmann dick puncher This guy knows what he want, but didn’t know where to look

only penis picks dawnload This guy knows what he wants, but really, really didn’t know where to look.

lists of all ethnic slurs I’ll just assume this is about Billy.

billy glag free sex This, too.

bill kreutzmann drinking problem He didn’t have a problem. Your dick, on the other hand…

betty kaantor This was Betty’s Danish cousin. She recorded the music of the biggest Danish recording artist, Elvis Christian Anderson, then accidentally left it in a friend’s cool, stylish automobile. Nature vs. nurture, huh?

naked ned lagin Get off the internet.

was jerry garcia missing a finger Does the Pope shit in the woods?

sexicali Ew.

tory lane blog, tory lane blogg, tory lane blogs Do I really mention this woman that much? I mean, I think about here this much, but still.

jerry garcia smoking Save yourself some time and just search for “jerry garcia.” He’ll be smoking in the picture.

hologram jerry garcia how Do not make Hologram Garcia.

bob weir and donna godchaux had an affair, bob weir sleeping with donna, bob weir sleeping with donna godchaux Ahh, yeah.

jerry garcia donna godchaux affair Ohh, no.

john kahn murdered rowley regis Yes. i completely believe that John Kahn has murdered at least one person now. He was probably the Zodiac Killer. Case closed.

thomas the tank engine jews What?

Everybody Hates A Tourist

Garcia wasn’t a violent man, but if he were alive to see all this ironic beard growing, he would be taking dickpunching lessons from Billy.

Cool Fool

On the flight over to Cairo, Bobby jumped into the seat next to Garcia; he was so excited.

“Garcia. Garcia. GARCIAAAAAAA!”

“You’re ten inches away from me, Bob: I can hear you.”

“What if–because it’s Egypt–when you sing Sugaree, you change the line to ‘Thought you were Prince Khufu; never could do no wrong.’ Little shout-out to the dynastic tradition?”

And then Garcia hit the ‘call’ button and the stewardess came, but it was actually Billy in stew-drag, and you know what happened next.

Mickeyleaks #19

One time, life gave Billy lemons, so Billy punched life in the dick.

Billy’s ‘fuck citrus’ policy is sacrosanct.

Billy Disapproves Of Your Hijinks

Sometimes when you’d really fucked up, Billy wouldn’t even punch you in the dick: just tell you how disappointed he was. And then he would punch you in the dick.

But: disappointedly.

Buffalo Buffalo Buffalo…

One day, Billy got his Private Investigator’s license and celebrated by punching the Dead’s archivist in the crotch. It was the day that Billy the dick dickpunched Dick’s dick and when Noam Chomsky tried to diagram that sentence, the chalk melted.

Important Safety Tip

I’m sure I don’t have to tell loyal readers this, but when the clock hits midnight, you don’t want to be within two counties of Billy.

Sunglasses At Night

If Billy was wearing his shades, he was either scoping out some prime dick to punch or unconscious.