Hi, I’m Bobby

There’s this new tumblr I like, Phil is weird, I think that’s the name. Funny pictures of Phil and funny captions and Phil is exceedingly goofy, just all the time and I haven’t seen most of these pictures: this Tumblr guy is a Google ninja and I salute him (or her, but let’s be honest, him.)*

Are you shitting me? When you saw the site, you sulked for an hour, muttering darkly, “Somebody’s being funny about the Dead on the internet: that’s MY thing, I invented that.” You whined like a kicked kitten.

None of that is true.

And then you stole all the pictures you could and reposted them on your little site, didn’t you?

I did that. Yes, I did.

But Phil’s just an amateur, man.

* It’s a lady. A pretty, pretty–

I’m warning you, buddy.

–lady. I’ve already planned our Wedding. The groomsmen have to wear Bobby shorts, then the Best Man locks himself in the upstairs bathroom for three hours.

Once You See It

Q: Why did the Dead play Estimated so much in ’77?

A: What time signature is Estimated in?

I’m sorry: did I just blow your mind?

Eyes Of The World Wide Web

 

Or, you could just watch the Duke show. Ah, technology: what is it you can’t help me avoid?

In The Timbers Of Fennario

A friend of mine enjoys camping, him and his boys they go romping about New England forests and such, miles away from a fresh and reasonably-priced cup of coffee. At night, after what is, I’m sure, an improper and rushed toilet, they all kip out on the filthy ground like marmosets and then in the morning, they make their doodies squatting in a bush. Then a moose eats everybody; it’s no way to spend a weekend.

At base level, at the concrete bedrock of what “civilization” means to me, lies a non-temporary shelter connected to the water and electric mains. After that, we’re negotiable but I really must insist upon not having to build my home right before sleeping in it.  Or having to make my doodies squatting in a bush. Deal-breaker, that.

I’ve been camping once in my life, and halfway through, I faked being sick so I could walk back to the infirmary. I went to sleepaway camp and once a year they would herd us a couple hundred yards into the woods with our sleeping bags, just far enough to be a real pain in the ass. Build a fire, all that goyim bullshit. I made it until around dinner when I realized how dirty my hands were and that I was expected to just eat my franks and burgers like that and fuck that shit, man, I’m a HUMAN BEING, BABY! MAN ON THE MOON, MOTHERFUCKER! I get to tidy up before I eat my franks, so fuck this shit, my stomach hurts, and I find the counselor whom I know wants to be there even less than I do and before I can get the lie out of my mouth, he has his stuff packed and slung around his shoulder and we’re humping the quarter-mile back to the real camp, with bunks and sinks and cookies.

But these guys love this camping nonsense.

What I’m trying to say is, before you mock someones misguided love for the dire pace of ’76, remember your irrational love for the arena rock of ’78. (Especially Spring ’78. Check out the boys at Duke on 4/12/78. Garcia’s vocals come in after a bit; what is with 1978 and his vocals?)

Who Wears Short Shorts?

I need to stop watching these videos, because…I hate to say this, but: looking at Bobby and his choices distracts me from the music.

He is wearing a too-tight purple Izod, and his short pants. They are the type of short pants that suggest a bikini underneath and a long, soapy afternoon washing cars to raise money for Cayden’s cousin Rex who’s got cerurul pawsy. or something–it’s bad. He is playing not his ultra-cool 335, but a Casio guitar. Not a joke, that: it was seriously made by Casio.

Bobby, why won’t you let us love you? You know we do, Bobert. But, these fashion shenanigans (fashenanigans?) are going to have to stop or you will have to start letting me out of the car at least two blocks from school.

It’s 9/10/91, MSG, NYC. Ok? It’s one of the only Vince-related things to hold up at all, and as I’ve stated before, it’s tough to sound too bad when you’re being propped up by Bruce Hornsby and Branford Marsalis.

Anyway, I won’t do my usual dissection of the thing, except to point out one bit that I BEG you to watch because it will make you very happy, I promise: it happens at  1.15.30–Branford is coming out of this wonderful solo and plays this figure, ascending sixteenth notes, pretty but nothing mind-blowing, except Bruce starts playing it, so Branford goes back to it and the Phil picks it up, but he’s playing it going down the scale, and Garcia finally just reaches up the neck of his guitar, effortlessly, to where he knows the notes have always been, waiting for him to play them, and he picks up the figure twice and launches into his solo and yes I said yes I said yes.

Garcia?

California

“Hi, I’m Bobby and this is my shockingly age-appopriate wife.”

“Wendy.”

“Look at our feet!”

ADDENDUM: We have been informed that the woman caring about the earth to Bobby’s right is his sister. GORGEOUS. The bone structure, the cheeks, the lips. I want to watch them make a mouth sandwich with me as the meat. My meat and my summerberries: they’re ripe, ripe for you and you alone, my summerberry Princess Leia. You’re my girl-Bobby now, yes you are. That’s why I had to eat–

That’s enough. He’s got to go. Sorry pal, we tried.

But, Billy  keeps punching me in my summer–

He does that. Christ, why does this job keep driving them insane? 

The irresistible force of longing vs. the immovable object of mortality?

That or the drugs. Next up.

Garcia?

Silly Billy

Yes, of course there’s about to be a dickpunching, but it looks to be self-inflicted.

Dave’s Nix

In honor of the new Dave’s Pick (chosen from a year that’s often overlooked and more often underrated), tonight we will be featuring some shows that, for one reason or another, will never be officially released:

• The January ’78 double laryngitis shows, where Bobby loses his voice as well as Garcia, leaving the vocal duties up to Phil, Donna Jean, and dear sweet Christ, you get away from that microphone, Keith. The show consisted mostly of half-remembered Dylan covers, Jazz Odyssey, and ended with the drummers doing the My Little Buttercup routine to a smattering of sarcastic applause.
• Any ’94 where you can musically hear Garcia coming out of a blackout to find himself halfway through Althea in front of 60,000 people. Again.
• 6/13/66 (It’s a Friday, BOO. I just scared the SHIT out of you, yo.) They played at Miskatonic University. (SPOOOOOOOKY and Liiiiiiiterary.)
• The Rabies Show. Billy just started fucking biting people and wouldn’t stop. I don’t want to talk about–HE’S COMING BACK FOR MORE!
• The Radio City gig with the Rockettes. Acid and stiletto heels do not mix.
• That other ’75 show where not only were Ned Lagin and Merl Saunders invited up, but also Rick Wakeman, Emerson, the guy from Deep Purple, Bernie Worrell (he came with Merl), Doctors John and Teeth, Elton John in the Donald Duck outfit, the blue elephant-muppet thing from Jabba’s Palace, and van Cliburn.
• Any of my beloved, yet polarizing, horn shows. Scoff if you must, but love, she is blind. Or deaf. Or Lithuanian, whichever is worse.
• And, last and most believable because it’s true: 5/8/77. Their most famous show, and they lost the tapes. Because it was the Grateful Dead thing to do.