The Most Powerful Man In The Free World And Bill Clinton

The beautiful thing about this photo is that either of the two men in it could have started the conversation with “I hear you like cocaine and blowjobs.”

Bird Song Of Ice And Fire

Hey, you’re that Wheel of Time guy.

“That’s not me.”

Dune?

“No.”

The Boobula, the Vampy Vampire series?

“I would read that.”

Me, too.

“But, no.”

Are you that creepily wholesome guy who writes those books about teens with cancer learning to love?

“No.”

…

Are you Lorenzo Lamas?

“I am, yes.”

Fuck you, Lorenzo Lamas.

A Keith Before Dying

Hey, Keith. Been a while since we talked.

…

Yo, Keith. What’s up, pal?

…

Keith?

…

Mrs. Donna Jean! Keith passed out with his eyes open again!

“Oh, Lord: his eyeballs dry right out. Where’s the Visine? No, not the Visine bottle, the actual product.”

High-Level Meeting

“I’m gonna kick you in the knee, you smiling jackass.”

“And I’m gonna keep right smiling and break your collarbone with my sweatbands.”

“That’s not a thing.”

“You’re not a thing.”

“Just play the fucking song.”

“I don’t like it.”

“Irrelevant.”

“I don’t like that song and I feel you wrote it just to annoy me.”

“Untrue.”

“There are many signs: ‘Lost Sailor’ is an anagram for ‘Blow me, Mickey’.”

…

“I’m too dyslexic to know why that’s wrong, but my gut says it is.”

“Sailboats are the Jewish symbol for death.”

“I’m too Gentile to know why that’s wrong, but–”

“I just don’t like the song, man!”

“Fine, no skin off my back, okay. You write a song then.”

“I wrote Greatest Story!”

“You dragged me out to your ranch and made me listen to a water pump and do heroin with you.”

“What do you call writing?

“I dunno, man: chords and words?”

“That, too. Chords by Bob Weir, Music by Bob Hunter, water pump and heroin by Mickey Hart.”

…

“Please just play the song like a professional.”

“Ah, go comb your hair.”

“Good talk.”

Slim Jewish Woman Noodle Dancing In A Field – c. 1990’s

Hey. How you doing?

“Excellent, man. How are you?”

Ma’am, I am talking to your belly; please don’t interrupt.

Room, Mates

“Jer?”

“Yeah, Bob?”

“You asleep?”

“No, Bob.”

“Okay. Jer?”

“Yeah?”

“How do angels wear backpacks?”

“They probably don’t.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

…

“Jer?”

“Mm?”

“I’d like to try Turkey McNuggets.”

“Me, too, now that you mention it.”

“One of the sauces could be cranberry.”

“Sure, okay.”

“Jer?”

“Yes, Bob?”

“You think soccer’ll ever fully catch on in the states?

…

“Bobby, if you don’t shut up, then we can’t share a hotel room anymore.”

“No more Sleepover Saturdays?”

The Marin Mangler

Speaking of 80’s wrestling, here we see Garcia doing his impression of Afa from the Wild Samoans.

It’s been a while since we’ve seen a level of muppet quite this full, but the you literally could not get another muppet in there. It’s full.

Thanks, Rowdy Roddy

In honor of the greatest bullshitter to ever grace the Squared Circle, we present Rowdy Roddy Piper in the classic fight scene from They Live, wherein he and Keith David (not David Keith, racist) punch each other for six full minutes over whether or not Keith David will try on Rowdy Roddy Piper’s sunglasses. The scene’s a lot like Return of the King, in that there are easily six different logical endpoints, but the director refuses to take any of them.

Also: suplexes.

The Cleaner

“Bruce?”

“Yeah, Bob?”

“Did you accidentally shoot a guy in the back of your car and have to call Harvey Keitel to help clean it up, and now you’re wearing Quentin Tarantino’s nerd clothes?”

“No, these are my clothes, Bobby.”

…

“So, you can’t introduce me to Samuel L. Jackson?”

“No.”

“Just checkin’.”

The Fears Of TotD

• Thunder.
• Thunder is bullshit and it frightens me and I can’t even imagine what the cavemen went through when there was a thunderstorm; i know what it is and it still scares me.
• After a second’s reflection, I now realize that I have no idea why thunder happens, but I still hate it so much.
• All the movie monsters from the 80’s: Freddy and Jason and Michael Myers and Candyman and Pumpkinhead and the rest of them.
• I was also afraid of many VHS box covers at the Video Library, for example: the murderous Santa arm with an axe emerging from a chimney, or the grinning skull on the cover of Faces of Death.
• (This is an old and well-worn point, but Faces of Death was out in front where children were actively encouraged to look at it by the surly weirdo employees of Video Library, but the fuck flicks were in the backroom, and that just evinces the strange relationship with reality that humans have.)
• Bodies of water I cannot see the bottom of.
• Being muddy.
• Spiders, de facto.
• (De jure, I am completely for spiders: there are thousands of varieties and each has adapted its own way to hunt, plus they eat things I hate. In real life, though? Get that spider away from me or I will slap you, hard, and on your testicles.)
• The kind of steps that don’t have risers, so any of the assorted basement monsters could just reach a claw through and slice your Achilles tendon and there go your NBA dreams.
• Never knowing true love.
• Never knowing what human flesh tastes like.
• Peepholes.
• OMIGOD FUCK PEEPHOLES.
• It’s not that I think people can see in; I think that when I look out, there will be a clownmonster standing there.
• Or Billy.
• Having to throw a football in public.
• Hospitals.
• Turning into a wendigo.
• Appearing fancy-schmancy in any way.
• Terrordactyls.