GENDERSWAP, BITCHES. #FUCKYOURBINARIES
Settle down, Beavis.
“Thanks for inviting me up, man. Lot of fun soloing over this band instead of the usual band I solo over.”
“Ah, well: you are the great Jerry Garcia.”
“I know my name, man.”
“It’s such a pleasure to have you join us.”
“Yeah, sure. You can play that bass, huh? Thought you were just a drummer.”
“Pardon?”
“And the new hair looks great, man. Very natural.”
…
“Jerry, I am not Phil Collins.”
“I’ve heard that line before, man.”
Hey, GarHOLY SHIT, you look like hell.
“Not so great.”
You’re kinda pale.
“Head bad. Air none.”
Yeah, this is the Boreal Ridge show. You’re 7,000 feet up.
“Fire someone.”
I agree, man. It was an awful decision to bring you to altitude. You’re the opposite of a sherpa.
“Shut…”
Shut the fuck up?
“…the…”
Shut the fuck up?
“…fuck…”
Shut the fuck up?
“…up.”
Aw.
TotD is loath to engage in common vulgarity, but Garcia’s silhouette totally looks like a dong. I mean, with an arm, but still.
“Earth could be flat, man. Kansas is flat.”
It just seems that way.
“The truth often does, the truth often does seem like the truth, yeah.”
The earth is a sphere. Humanity has known this for thousands of years.
“Oh, I didn’t realize humanity was involved. Pardon me.”
No need to be sarcastic.
“Riddle me this: if the earth is a sphere, then why is the word ‘sphere’ spelled so weird?”
…
How high are you?
“How high are you?”
Yeah, okay.
“Just fucking with ya. Earth is round. If the earth was flat, then mountains would be square-shaped.”
Like big telephone booths?
“Exactly.”
Sure.
The internet says this picture is from 5/7/77, but once again the internet doesn’t know what it’s taking about; Garcia was still playing the Travis Bean with the bitchin’ headstock during Spring Tour, as seen here in this actual picture from 5/7:
Therefore, the internet is wrong and I am right.
You told ’em, champ.
Yeah.
Besides, that first one looks like ’78.
I KNOW, RIGHT? The internet was SO WRONG.
Calm down.
Can’t help it: this kind of thing really frosts my strudel.
Don’t say shit like that.
Okay.
…
Speaking of strudel, how much weight you think Garcia put on in the interim between those photos? 30 pounds?
Dude, don’t bodyshame Garcia.
I was just pointing out–
Humans come in all different shapes!
—that he had maybe–
Hashtag fuck your beauty standards!
…
You’re not supposed to use the actual word “hashtag.”
You know what I meant.
Kinda.
Health at any size!
Garcia wasn’t healthy.
No.
“Hey, Jer?”
“Yeah, Bob?”
“You think we should write a song about white privilege?”
…
…
…
“What?”
“Nothing.”
“Thought so.”
“Y’know, Jer–”
“Weir, I can’t do this again.”
“–I grew the thing for a reason.”
“And I told you: I don’t want to be Beard Buddies. It’s not a thing.”
“That hurts my feelings and, worse, it hurts my beard’s feelings.”
“Your beard doesn’t have feelings, Bob.”
“It feels pretty itchy.”
“Yeah, okay.”
“New planet, huh?”
Yeah. Try not to burn it down.
“Parish!”
That was quick.
Even in the Legoverse, Keith gets cropped out of the picture.
Also, the longer you stare at Lego Garcia, the funnier he gets.
Thoughts on the Dead 