Please Return Your Mitres And Censers To Their Full And Upright Positions

by thoughtsonthedead

img_3486“All right-a: question time with-a da Pope-a. Who’s-a gotta question? You?”

“Your Holiness, thank you for taking my question.”

“Whassa you name?”

“Jenkins, Your Holiness.”

“Dominus Vobiscum, Jenkins.”

“And, you know: um, demented Vogon poetry back at you, Your Holiness.”

“What’s-a you question for-a da Pope-a?”

“What was the meal in first class?”


“Great fish.”

“It’s-a flaky and-a good.”

“Another question.”


“You said that in countries affected by the Zika virus, women should use contraception, as it is ‘a lesser evil.'”

“That’s-a right. You can-a quote me on-a dat.”

“What about women in other countries? Places that Zika hasn’t gotten to? Will the Church change its mind about allowing women to control their own reproductive futures.”

“Oh, no. This is just-a for da pinhead-a babies. All-a the other women gotta do-a what they are told-a.”


“This is-a what you call-a ‘special dispensation.'”

“And could you explain that concept for the non-Catholics?”

“Makin’ things up-a as-a we go.”

“Gotcha. Can I ask about Trump?”

“He’s-a bad man. He needs-a da Jesus.”

“I gotta say that you’re, like, a million percent right on this one.”

“And not-a dat American Jesus wit-a da Uzi. Jesus no have-a da Uzi! Da real-a Jesus!”

“Sure. You got a horse in this race?”

“Warren, 2020.”

“Makes sense.”