She’s Not Wrong: Being Authentic Is Fun

by thoughtsonthedead


“Josh Meyers! Come to me!”

“Oh, c’mon. You can’t call me that, too. And aren’t you dating Orlando Bloom now? Whatever this is, it’s his problem now.”

“No, no. We are linked. When you saved me after my triumphant, but losing, battle with my own hallucinogenitals.”

“Not a word. Also, not a thing. Also: what?”

“You were my knight in shining armor and an RV that your new band full of insane old people stole. Did you ever get the Earthroamer back?”

“I did.”

“Did you have to get it cleaned?”

“Four times. And exorcised.”

“Is that expensive?”

“It is. Plus, several of the men who did the damage died years ago, so I didn’t even bother with the insurance. What do you put on the claim?”


“Also, the thing might be sentient now.”

“That happens a lot, doesn’t it?”

“Disconcertingly often. Anyway, Katy, why did you call?”

“Despite your scarf thing, you were always the sane one in our relationship.”

“That’s more due to the laws of comedy, but go on.”

“And I think I might be having a flashback or a little psychotic break and I wanted to talk to someone I knew wasn’t crazy.”

“What did you do, Katy?”

“I’m looking at this tweet that I sent out, and I don’t remember sending it, but obviously I sent it, and…would you look at it?”

“Sure. What’s your Twitter handle?”

“You don’t follow me?”

“You don’t follow me.”

“I unfollowed you for narrative purpose on the advice of my people, yes, but that’s not the point.”

“I just followed you.”


“I’m looking. Looking. Wait.”

“You wrote this?”


“The thing about being authentic with your peers?”


“With your fingers? You used your fingers to input this into a device and then hit the little blue button?”

“That’s right.”

“Are you a human?”

“Yes, Josh.”

“Don’t call me that. Because this does not sound like it was written by a human.”

“This is what I’m saying. I wrote it, but I wouldn’t have written that.”

“Forget ‘would,’ I don’t think a human could write this. Wait! Were you referencing the popular meme depicting Steve Buscemi talking to his fellow kids?”

“Two questions.”


“What? And: who?”

“That’s a no, I guess.”

“Was I possessed by a demon? I met many on my lysergic journeys. There was Darrathraxio. And Kevin. Kevin was the really evil one. An over-compensation thing, maybe.”

“Stay on target.”


“Wait. You don’t manage your own Twitter account. That’s “Katy Perry”s account and everything that goes out from there is tightly scripted and scheduled.”

“Y’know, you’re right.”


“I pay people a lot of money to do that for me. I forgot.”

“Easy to forget.”

“I should probably fire whoever sent that out, though.”

“Yes. Can I go now?”

“I miss you.”

“Katy, you’re dating Orlando Bloom now.”


“I gotta go.”

“Bye, Josh.”

“Not my name.”