Bad Choices To Fill The Supreme Court Vacancy

by thoughtsonthedead

  • Let’s just get Judge Judy, Judge Reinhold, Mike Judge, Judge Dredd, and Flip Wilson’s “Da Judge” character out of the way up front.
  • People are sure to start advocating for an African-American judge, or a Latino, but I think we should get an Albino-American on the Supreme Court.
  • An albino would look super-cool in the black robe.
  • Also, albinos glow in the dark, so the Court could play midnight basketball.
  • Ai Wei Wei would be a poor choice as he does not speak English, nor know the law, and China would certainly have him accidentally assassinated.
  • Kobe Bryant will need a job soon, although he would be a terrible Justice: he would hog all the opinions and try to get the other Justices traded.
  • Kobe aside, the Court does need a forward; Ginsburg is not strong in the paint.
  • Speaking of basketball, Bill Walton could do it.
  • Oral arguments would be much more entertaining; the case would be about patent law or something, and Justice Walton (“Call me Bill.”) would start talking about how Ancient Egyptians discovered tanning and made the finest leather in antiquity, and then he’d do his rap on violins (“Only four strings, but they make a ton of noise.”), and then a Coach Wooden story or two.
  • The poor court stenographer would be a mess by the end of it.
  • “Psst. How do you spell Aoxomoxoa?”
  • Bobby would mean well, but he would be a poor Supreme Court Justice.
  • He’s a rather bright man, but does lack a formal education of any kind.
  • And I know the Constitution makes no mention of any requirement that a nominee have been a judge, or even have attended law school.
  • But it would help.
  • I would imagine lunchroom conversations would be impenetrable; the other Justices might even ostracize Bobby, and that would make him sad.
  • Stop making Bob Weir sad, Supreme Court.
  • In a similar vein, I bring up the Air Bud rule: just because the Constitution doesn’t explicitly say that a golden retriever can’t be appointed to the highest court in the land doesn’t mean it’s allowed.
  • Besides, a dog would vote with whoever gave him treats, and we’ve already got a Clarence Thomas.
  • Every bar I go to, there’s a guy there who’s so smart: they should find that guy.
  • Brett Ratner.
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