Thought On Numbers, Butts

by thoughtsonthedead

A common mistake about history is average age of death. Citizens of the Roman Empire undeniably died earlier than we do, and people in the Middle Ages died way earlier than us, but they didn’t kick off at 40 like you learned in high school: in fact, human evolution depended heavily on having three generations alive at a time, but that’s a different topic.

The key confusion is that everyone’s included when they do those averages. Bluntly: dead kids. The past was simply overflowing with dead children, and they skew the statistics. If you made it past birth, and then past early childhood, you would get another 60 years or so.

Numbers lie.

I believe this to also be true about the national statistics regarding inappropriate things placed up butts. The CDC says that over 50 million hospital visits a year are for inappropriate things placed up butts. Coffee makers. Pair of child’s water wings. Shampoo bottle. Shampoo and conditioner bottles. (“I thought the shampoo was lonely.”)

My theory is this: there are a small group of repeat offenders fucking up the results. People who are clearly not getting the universe’s texts, and keep jamming stuff up their ass that’s not supposed to be there. Most would switch to products expressly designed for butts: there are entire stores dedicated to the cornucopia of offerings to piston into your nethers with the pleasure and safety.

These butt-pluggers are power users, however.

What is this?

Dunno, really. I wanted to make some sort of point about 2% of humanity causing 98% of the problems.


And then I started talking about butts.


And sticking things in them.

You’re gonna start charging people for this, huh?

No, no: not charging. Never charging. Pressuring and shaming them into donating.

Oh, that’s better.

It’s the sharing economy!

I hate you.