Thoughts On A Final Trailer

by thoughtsonthedead

  • There is a great deal of punching.
  • In fact, there is punching not previously alluded to: we begin with Batman leaping off a plane into a building though plate-glass.
  • That seems like a lot of effort to go through just to punch people, but that’s why I’m not the goddamned Batman.
  • Batman is aided in this pursuit by Alfred, who has been given a promotion from butler to butler/drone pilot.
  • Alfred also no longer sounds like Michael Caine.
  • “Oy. Cahn’t. Lose you. Master Wayne. I bet. You didn’t know that.”
  • Alfred now sounds like Scar.
  • Plus, he’s in this enormous and elaborate flight simulator; the thing is clearly stupidly expensive and purpose-built.
  • Who built that?
  • Because that guy knows you’re Batman now, Bruce.
  • Same thing with the guy who installed the T-Rex and the giant penny.
  • Who does Batman’s IT?
  • The only thing Batman–in not just this movie, but overall–has going for him is that he’s cool; he’s just so dopey.
  • I’m more willing to believe in a universe where Superman is an alien that looks exactly like a human who flies around and is super-strong than I am willing to believe Batman could keep his identity a secret for fifteen minutes.
  • Aquaman is easier to accept than the entire world not knowing Bruce Wayne is Batman.
  • Being Batman just requires too much infrastructure; someone’s gonna talk.
  • Anyway, Batman hurls himself through some windows and begins punching the bad guys, who all forget to shoot him.
  • Maybe Batman does have super-powers, after all: the ability to make people forget they have rifles.
  • Batman goes from one goon to the next.
  • Punching them.
  • Some of them he kicks.
  • And the goons who are not being currently beaten by Batman do not shoot him.
  • Which is a terrible plan.
  • Were I the leader of the goons, I would have made sure to advise them numerous times before the operation, “If you see Batman, just start firing in his general direction. Don’t worry about shooting any of the team. I’ll forgive you. Open fire immediately. Also, if you hit him, shoot him again. Do not trust a chest shot. Aim well, from a safe distance, and shoot him in the head until he no longer has a head.”
  • “What if we see Superman?”
  • “Just surrender politely, Jenkins. He’s Superman.”
  • “Almost be worth getting caught to meet Superman, boss.”
  • “Just shut up and shoot Batman, Jenkins.”
  • “Gotcha.”
  • And then we have our final piece of evidence in the “Zack Snyder doesn’t understand these characters” court case.
  • Ben Affleck growls something about how if there’s even a “1% chance” of Superman going all nuttykookooberries and molesting the planet, then you have to treat it as an absolute given.
  • Which is not how percentages work.
  • Ben Affleck uses the concept of percentages, and probability, and he’s Batman: you would think he would know that if something is a 1% chance, then it is not an absolute given.
  • It’s one percent away from being the exact opposite, as a matter of fact.
  • Is Batman a moron now?
  • That line is maybe one block over from “60% of the time, it works every time.”
  • He’s the World’s Greatest Detective, Zack Snyder: why is Batman a moron?
  • Then Batman drives his car into Superman.
  • Moron.
  • Batman and Superman are very mad at each other: Batman at Superman because the whole “gonna destroy the earth” thing; and Superman is mad at Batman because Batman is a dick.
  • Which is actually keeping in character: Batman has always been a complete dick.
  • Batman is the Lou Reed of superheroes: cool, but a dick.
  • Besides watching Superman demolish half of Metropolis in Man of Steel, Batman is basing his attack on a dream he had.
  • The part of the trailer that’s filmed in color, where Batman is wearing a trenchcoat like he’s Chow Yun Fat?
  • That’s a dream.
  • Batman builds himself an Iron Man suit and picks a fight with a Kryptonian because of bad math and a bad dream.
  • I told you: this man is a moron.
  • A more cynical man would say that film–and I have not seen the finished product, of course, and could be wrong about all of this–is merely a $200 million dollar version of a man-child smashing his Mego action figures into one another.
  • (You should not do that: Megos are held together with a rubber band. Plus, they are vintage toys and someone would love them if you don’t want them, so do not smash them into each other. Thank you.)
  • Amy Adams is back.
  • I think that should be the entire marketing message.
  • “Amy Adams is BACK!”
  • She’s like a baked potato without butter or salt.
  • There are many quick shots of super-punching and explosions and rain.
  • DC stands for Damp Comic.
  • Bullets are caught, by Superman.
  • Batman uses the Batarmor to Batkick Superman.
  • Then, Wonder Woman shows up, and Ben Affleck says, “I’ve known a few woman like you.”
  • And, credit Zack Snyder’s restraint, Wonder Woman does not respond, “Have you? I wonder.”
  • That’s a tempting line right there, but good for you Zack: tasteful.
  • Then some more shots of Batman in his robot suit kicking Superman’s ass, and it is raining much harder now because DC stands for Downpour, Climactic.
  • Diane Lane, who you forgot played Superman’s mother in the last one, drops a coffee cup.
  • This is important: here is my prediction.
  • Superman dies at the end.
  • Justice League forms to keep the world safe in his absence.
  • He comes back in the next one.
  • If I’m right, everyone remember.
  • If not, not.
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