The Southern (California) Strategy
DO NOT CALL ME THAT.
Still on the campaign trail?
YES. I DID NOT DO WELL IN THE NEW HAMPSHIRE PRIMARIES.
I DID NOT GO TO THE NEW HAMPSHIRE PRIMARIES.
Well, there’s your problem. Didn’t see your name in Iowa, either.
I WENT TO IOWA IN 1974 AND THAT WAS ENOUGH FOR ME. AND THAT WAS IN THE SUMMER. THE CAMPAIGN BEGINS IN CALIFORNIA.
Does California even have a primary? California isn’t important until 8 p.m. on election night when it gives its electoral votes to the Democrat.
CALIFORNIA WILL GIVE HER VOTES TO HER FAVORITE WALL. CALIFORNIA WILL RISE UP BEHIND ME, FOR I AM GLORIOUS. MY SWEET SOUND WILL SWEEP THE HILLS AND FILL THE VALLEYS. MY POLICY PAPERS WILL BE BEST-SELLERS. I WILL BE BEAUTIFUL IN SOCAL; I WILL BE WOKE IN NORCAL; YO HABLO ESPANOL.
I’m beginning to think you know less about the electoral process than I thought.
ONE AMASSES AN ARMY OF SUPPORTERS AND TAKES TERRITORY.
Okay, you do understand it.
I HAVE THE QUALITIES THAT THE OTHER CANDIDATES LACK: I AM NEITHER JEWISH NOR A WOMAN.
I AM NOT A COMIC-BOOK VILLAIN COME TO LIFE AND GIVEN A TWITTER ACCOUNT.
I AM NOT TED CRUZ.
YOU KNOW THAT I AM SEEKING THE PRESIDENCY OF THIS COUNTRY OUT OF LOVE. SINCE MY CREATION, I HAVE BEEN FASCINATED BY HUMANITY. IN OBSERVING YOUR TRIUMPHS AND FAILURES, I HAVE OVER TIME WON AND LOST WITH YOU. YOU ARE NOTHING BUT FLAWS, AND YET YOU ALL HAVE A SET OF WINGS ON YOUR BACKS.
BUT TED CRUZ CAN GO FUCK HIMSELF.
NOT MY KIND OF GUY. LET’S LEAVE IT AT THAT.
I WILL NOT ATTACK MY OPPONENTS. I WILL TALK ABOUT THE ISSUES.
Good, we need more of that. Let’s talk about the issues. What about national defense?
I THINK THE OCEANS ARE DOING A WONDERFUL JOB OF DEFENDING THE NATION.
No, that’s not what I mean. I meant defense.
WHO IS ATTACKING US? IF IT IS THE CANADIANS OR THE MEXICANS, THEN WE ARE IN TROUBLE. ANYONE ELSE, THE ATLANTIC AND PACIFIC HAVE BEEN STALWART BULWARKS.
All right, whatever. Listen: I mean defense. The Armed Forces and boots on the ground and all that jazz.
YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT WHEN AMERICA SENDS PEOPLE TO OTHER COUNTRIES TO SHOOT PEOPLE?
MY ADMINISTRATION WOULD PUT A STOP TO THAT. IF ANOTHER COUNTRY COMES HERE TO SHOOT AT AMERICANS, THEN WE WILL DESTROY THEM WITH NO MERCY. BUT IF OTHER COUNTRIES STAY IN THEIR COUNTRIES, THEN I BELIEVE IT IS ONLY FAIR TO NOT SHOOT THEM.
You’re really not allowed to say it like that.
HOW SHOULD I PHRASE IT?
I dunno. “Fight them over there so we don’t have to fight them here.” That kinda thing.
IF I SAID THAT, MY LOGIC CIRCUITS WOULD SHORT OUT. WE MUST DEFEND THE SHIPPING LANES WITH A FEROCIOUS MILITARY PRESENCE. BEYOND THAT, WE WOULD STOP DOING THINGS.
WE WOULD KEEP THOSE HOSPITAL SHIPS. I LIKE THE HOSPITAL SHIPS. THE WORLD NEEDS MORE HOSPITAL SHIPS.
It does, doesn’t it?
YES. PLUS, I ONCE HAD A THREE-WAY WITH THE COMFORT AND THE MERCY. HOSPITAL SHIPS ARE DEEPLY FREAKY.
You’re gonna have to keep the techno-nightmare that is your sex life private if you want to be president. Besides, I thought you liked blimps?
THE HEART WANTS WHAT THE HEART WANTS.