Thoughts On Super Bowl 50

by thoughtsonthedead

  • Is it over?
  • Did we–collectively–anger someone, and the punishment was this evening’s “entertainment?”
  • I’ve been watching football my entire life, and one of these days I will be able to tell the difference between a shitty game and a defensive masterclass, because they present themselves in the same exact way.
  • Both defenses completely shut down the other team, but both offenses helped.
  • The Broncos had two plays: run up the middle for a gain/loss of two yards, or an incomplete pass.
  • Peyton Manning threw some of the most incomplete passes ever thrown tonight, but none of them were his fault, if you were listening to Jim Nantz and Phil Simms.
  • Sometimes, Peyton would sail the ball ten or twelve feet over the receiver’s head, and Jim and Phil would simply not mention the play.
  • The other quarterback in the game, Cam Newton, managed to change his entire narrative with this game, though: he is no longer a Black Quarterback; now, he is a Whiny Quarterback.
  • Let’s just talk about everything that wasn’t the actual game, shall we?
  • It was also boring, wasn’t it?
  • Subdued.
  • The pregame show began sometime in the misty dawn of history; some say that the pregame show evolved from a Pagan ritual and slowly became Christianized over the years, and then Seal sang poorly.
  • America was honored many times.
  • Other, lesser countries might just get on with it, but not America.
  • She is, apparently, a jealous God.
  • Generals were interviewed from Afghanistan, where there either is or isn’t still a war, and things were blown up, and planes were flown by, and two hymns from the patriotic liturgy were performed.
  • The first was by a military choir that had stolen their costumes from the Salvation Army, and I don’t want to sound like a bad citizen or anything, but I don’t want to pay for the military’s choir.
  • I don’t even want to pay for the military’s guns; why should I be forced to kick in for songbooks and a practice space?
  • And then there was the Star-Spangled Banner sung by the Lady, Gaga, and it was short; she stole Whitney Houston’s ending, though.
  • (Music theory nerds, sing it with me: flatVI-flatVII-I.)
  • There was also quite a bit of hullabaloo about the Golden Anniversary aspect of the game; all 50 MVP’s from over the years were paraded out, and watching them walk was informative.
  • Some of them did a side-walking kind of deal, while others simply leaned their torsos forward and hoped their legs would follow.
  • Also in the run-up to the game was a short film that posited an alternate reality in which Scotty Norwood’s kick didn’t go right (widely), and the Buffalo Bills went on to be a dynasty.
  • “Jenkins!”
  • “Yeah, Boss?”
  • “I got an idea for the pre-game show that’ll fill ten minutes.”
  • “We can’t book Seal twice, sir.”
  • “No, no: we’ll do a film. It’ll be funny.”
  • “Oh, like we get Stephen Colbert to goof around with the players? Great idea, sir. Cross-promotion, I love it.”
  • “Simmer down, Jenkins. That’s a terrible idea and you’re an imbecile. We’re just going to use the players.”
  • “Okay. And, um, what’s the story?”
  • “‘What if the Bills Won?’ And we’re going to use computers to alter reality so the kick goes through the uprights.”
  • “People hate that, sir.”
  • “They don’t know what they like.”
  • “They know what they don’t. People have hated that sort of thing since they made poor Fred Astaire dance with that vacuum cleaner.”
  • “Nonsense. And we’ll get Jim Kelly to be in it. He’s great.”
  • “Yes, sir. You’re going to make the multiple-cancer survivor read satirical lines about his greatest public failure?”
  • “It’ll be funny!”
  • And so on.
  • There were also commercials, and they say more about America than the game does.
  • We are all on opiates, apparently.
  • And we have lousy taste in movies.
  • The trend this year was “slumming movie stars;” Keitel, and Walken, and Helen Mirren, and poor Sir Anthony Hopkins.
  • Most years, the trend is “tits,” but there weren’t many bawdy ads this year that I can recall.
  • And the puppy-monkey thing and maybe Advil for some reason?
  • The rest have fled my mind and I will be damned before research commercials: I don’t research wars or famines, so I’m not certainly not looking up whether Coke had an effective ad this year.
  • I do recall the Jeep ad, though, as it appealed to my particular view of reality, wherein fictional-Americans are afforded full civil rights.
  • Do you recall the ad?
  • It was shot starkly, like a Richard Avedon portrait, and began with a very heavy military focus; some men and women were scarred and broken from battle, and the narrator intoned heavily (that’s the phrase you’re legally required to use to describe this kind of speaking) about war and death and horror and sacrifice.
  • And then Jeff Goldblum showed up and described how he once escaped a dinosaur in a Jeep.
  • Now, as I mentioned: this is how I see the world, but it confuses me why normal humans haven’t focused their ire on this ad.
  • There are also movies coming out soon, and all of them feature shouting.
  • Only one of them features Jeff Goldblum.
  • (This was the Jeff Goldblumiest Super Bowl on record.)
  • The movie he’s in looks terrible, but nowhere near as bad as The Jungle Book remake.
  • “Jenkins!”
  • “Boss?”
  • “You ever see The Jungle Book?”
  • “A classic, sir.”
  • “Let’s remake it!”
  • “Okay, sir. With maybe computer animation?”
  • “Nope! Live-action! With real animals, but placed into scenes digitally, and creepy computer mouths!”
  • “Jesus, sir.”
  • “Everything’ll be shiny and fake-looking as shit!”
  • “Why?”
  • “AND CUT THE SONGS!”
  • Etc.
  • Deadpool and Cap’s movies look good; the X-Men are really pushing Olivia Munn.
  • Olivia Munn is the American Rita Ora.
  • I’m sure that I will write more about Batman Loves Superman, but that movie and everything about it makes me root for the Zika virus.
  • During half-time, the large men went inside to drink one of the 18,000 bottles of Gatorade provided for them, and small British people came out and sang.
  • Coldplay aren’t worth hating; they aren’t much worth discussing, if we’re honest.
  • Other people are paid to write about them; not me, so fuck ’em.
  • Bruno Mars was there, and he sang his song that Mark Ronson stole from Bootsy’s Rubber Band.
  • And then Beyoncé beyoncéed.
  • That’s what she does at this point: it is Beyoncéing.
  • The walk, heels.
  • A pose, fierce.
  • Smile.
  • Dance move, dance move, dance move.
  • Smile again.
  • Back to fierce.
  • She sang part of her new song, which she released yesterday; while she was singing, her tour dates for the summer (stadiums) were released.
  • Please keep in mind that calling her narcissistic is racist or rockist or something.
  • In nine months, Peyton Manning and Papa John will be having their first Super Bowl Baby; in lieu of gifts, please send cocaine and HGH.
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