In Defense Of The 8-Track

by thoughtsonthedead

dead 8tracks  

I expected Conway Twitty’s death to make me horny, but not like this.

Excuse me.

Can I help you?

Is your little sketch here in reference to the great David Browne’s article in Rolling Stone lamenting the death–both financial and reputational–of the Compact Disc?

It is, yes.

And I take it you’re not actually going to be stumping for the 8-track cartridge?

I won’t, no.

Thank God.

Foundationally flawed transitional fossils. Only thing good about an 8-track is that it was usually Rush, and it was generally surrounded by an IROC or a Datsun 240z.

T-tops.

Fuckin’ T-tops, man.

Anyway: did you have some sort of quibble with the article?

Not really: it was well-written and argued. Of course, CDs killed albums. The primacy of the LP as music’s delivery medium imposed absolute constrictures on the art via the physicality of the object itself: you had around twenty minutes a side. Also due to the object’s “objectness”–

Pretentious turd.

–there was a forced linearity to the experience, unless you wanted to move the needle or fast forward a cassette. Compact discs are 74 minutes long, and bands felt the ungodly, unwise urge to fill all of that time. Lot of filler.

Always a lot of covers and jams on albums in the early CD days, yeah

Also, by allowing the listener to skip and shuffle, the author’s intent is removed.

Pretentious turd.

Sure.

Was that it?

No, there were some things the great David Browne, author of So Many Roads: The Life and Times of the Grateful Dead, forgot to mention about Compact Discs and how wonderful they are.

Will they be presented in bullet points?

That’s my thing, man.

Minimal effort disguised as stylistic flourish?

You nailed it.

Just don’t start accusing anyone of anything.

What about OJ?

I guess. Sure. Accuse OJ of things if you want.

Remember OJ?

Of course.

He’s back!

Yeah, I saw.

We’re nostalgic for OJ, did you see that? Did you see what America’s become?

Yup.

OJ got a reboot!

Please just do your little list.

You suck. Anyway, Other Reasons Compact Discs Are the BEST EVAR:

  • CD jewel cases far better to do cocaine off of than cardboard record sleeves. (Best coke CD was, obviously, Back in Black.)
  • Um.
  • Uhh.
  • I suppose you could wing ’em at a fucker’s neck if’n he looked at ya fancy.
  • How else will people know you’re Puerto Rican unless you hang one from your rearview mirror?

Okay, that’s enough.

What was it this time?

The racism plus the lack of material.

Y’know what? You’re right. That was racist.

Thank you.

People from the Dominican Republic also do the rearview  thing.

We’re done.

Probably, yeah.

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