Listening Post

by thoughtsonthedead

auditory radarSOMEWHERE IN FRANCE, 1916

“Sir, this is not better.”

“Jenkins, damn you, you whinged and caterwauled about the contraption we stuck on your head, so I had the boffins back at Bletchley whip this up for you. They call it JADAR.”

“JADAR, sir?”

“Jenkins-Assisted Defensive Auditory Reconnaissance.”

“Why is my name mentioned in the acronym, General?”

“I told them all about you.”

“Ah.”

“What is the problem, now? Nothing strapped to you any longer, unless there’s something you put on yourself before leaving the barracks, and that’s none of my business.”

“Problem? No, sir: not “problem.” Many. Many problems.”

“I won’t listen to all of them, I’m sure.”

“Of course, sir. The main fly in the ointment is that they don’t work.”

“You look ridiculous, Jenkins. They work perfectly in that regard.”

“Ha ha, sir. Yes. I do look like a twit. But that could be put aside were the device a useful one: it’s the wrong shape.”

“No, no: shaped like a dick. Two dicks, as a matter of fact. It’s a war and things are shaped like dicks in wars.”

“Yes, sir. However, if we’re going with a body part comparison, I think you’d want a ladies’ bosom.”

“Jenkins, if I had a ladies’ bosom, the other generals would never let me hear the end of it. They would nickname me!”

“Sir…”

“I’d be ‘General Tittychest!’ No, no: no bosom for me.”

“The listening device, sir. It should be round. A hemisphere. Not a cone.”

“OH! Like a boobie!”

“Yes, sir.”

“I understand your analogy, Jenkins. Unfortunately, what’s done is done. Make do, soldier.”

“Yes, sir. If I may, though: one more thing, sir.”

“Jenkins, have I told you to blast your eyes yet?”

“No, sir.”

“Blast your eyes, Jenkins.”

“Yes, sir. Anyway, sir: even if the device–”

“JADAR.”

“–worked at all, it is pointed in the wrong direction.”

“No. Right direction.”

“Sir, the enemy is the other way.”

“Yes, but my house is this way. I think my wife’s been cheating on me with the pool guy.”

“You don’t have a pool. sir.”

“That’s what initially aroused my suspicion.”

“Yes, sir.”

“He’s there twice a week, Jenkins.”

“Yes, sir.”

“I’ve been paying the bastard!”

“Sounds right, sir.”

“Carry on, Jenkins.”

“Yes, sir.”

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