Form Letter On The Dead
TotD is (devastated/saddened/relieved) to report on the (untimely/timely/overdue) death of the great (artist/statesman/scourge of the disbelievers). Our thoughts and prayers go out to his (family/secret family/creditors).
Born (many years ago/many, many years ago), he showed early promise in his field. At age 11, he was already (performing/elected mayor/holding geese down and fucking them to death) and by the age of 13, he had (made a million/conquered Asia Minor/ found a pair of sunglasses that really worked for his face).
His career had its ups and downs, such as the incident involving (the Grand Canyon/the Pope/the fabric of reality), but he always made a comeback, and by 2000 was (selling out stadiums/governor of the moon/plotting the September 11th attack).
Towards the end, he was known for his (generosity/flatulence/dipsomania) and (endowing a humanities chair at a college/tackling a child while ice skating/burning Mississippi).
He is survived by his (wife/husband/stalker) and two (kids/Dalmatians/unfinished novels).