Arguments For The Earth’s Flatitude

by thoughtsonthedead

  • Since the dawn of mankind, many people have thought the earth was flat. At certain points, most people thought that. Most? Wow. Can’t argue with that.
  • Paper, which comes from the earth, is flat as shit. Vinyl records, which are also provided to us by the earth, are similarly flat. I consider this another brick in my argument’s foundation.
  • When you put things on the ground, those things do not roll away from you. (Unless the thing is a basketball or BB-8.)
  • Jet fuel can’t melt steel bees. (Which is why it’s lucky for us that Hitler’s scientists never completed work on Operation: StingenStahl.)
  • If the earth wasn’t flat, then how could the International Space Station ALWAYS be above us? Ditto the stars: if the earth was round, then the stars would only be above us HALF the time.
  • Explain how caterpillars turn into butterflies if the earth is round. YOU CAN’T DO IT. Those two facts CANNOT be reconciled, and I HAVE SEEN BUTTERFLIES. Never seen the curve of the earth. That–to me, at least–is checkmate, but I’ve got more.
  • On a spherical earth, kitchen tables and football fields would be curved, but they are not.
  • Why does water pool up, and form lakes and ponds and puddles, instead of running downhill? On a round earth, everything is downhill, and yet I have swum in many glistening pools, and driven by many disgusting water parks.
  • If the earth is shaped like a boob, then where is the nipple?
  • Q.E.D.