Thank You, Thank You Very Much

by thoughtsonthedead

EDenver Broncos vs New England Patriots AFC Championship at Sports Authority FieldHey, Peyton Manning.

“How’d I get in here?”

I truly have no idea.

“Eh, fuck it.”

Congratulations, man. Great game.

“Yeah, great game. I get to play another week. Yay.”

You hurt?

“Y’ever hear of phantom limb syndrome? Where amputees can still feel their missing hands or whatever and they hurt?”


“I got the opposite: it feels like I have extra limbs, and they hurt. Like, five or six arms and all of them are broken.”


“Course, that’s the parts I can actually still feel. 60% of my body is completely numb. Here, take this screwdriver and stick it in my foot.”




“Not a thing.”

Huh. You should see a doctor about that.

“Dude, I’m Peyton fucking Manning: I’ve seen the best doctors on the planet.”

And what do they say?

“That it’s a terrible idea to let giant men tackle you violently for three decades.”


“Then they fill my briefcase with opiates and I go watch some film.”

Careful with those opiate-filled briefcases. I know a guy that didn’t work out so well for.

“I’ll be fine, junior. I win this next one, I can probably stab my wife and a waiter and go free.”

And then you’ll have two rings, too.

Like Eli already does.

Your little brother? Eli? Plays for the Giants, kind of a doofus, won the Super Bowl twice?

Did I say something?