Facts About Planet Nine
- Depressing in the winter, which lasts for ten thousand years, give or take.
- Not much better in the summer, if we’re honest.
- Also, “summer” is relative: it never gets above -200C.
- Planet Seven once ate it, leading to a six-year relationship.
- Dreading Neil Degrasse Tyson’s upcoming tweets; that guy started rubbing Planet Nine the wrong way about a year ago.
- Don’t get Planet Nine started on Michio Kaku: that man just makes bullshit up and has scientist hair.
- Michio Kaku is to science what Dr. Oz is to medicine: they both started out with good intentions, but now they just like being on TV.
- Much more massive than Earth, and some have accused Planet Nine of steroid use.
- Much more gassy than Earth, and others have accused Planet Nine of chimichanga use.
- When tourists from Planet Nine come here, they pretend to not understand tipping, but they totally do.
- Each “year” is 15,000 years long, so hockey season lasts forever.
- Wifi is spotty.
- Planet’s name far scarier if you’re German.
- May or may not be inhabited by space-walruses.
- Probably not, but maybe.
- Although: to the space-walrus, you would be the alien.
- Somehow got a hold of Andy Cohen’s phone number and now won’t stop harassing him about doing Real Housewives of Planet Nine.
- Composed of hydrogen, helium, methane, and fabreze.
- Planet Nine’s Powerball is up to a billion space-dollars and it’ll probably be won by some illegal immigrant from Planet Ten, like always.
- It should be noted that Planet Ten is a complete shithole.
- Also: if you hit Planet Ten, you’ve gone too far.
- We left Matt Damon there.