Facts About Planet Nine

by thoughtsonthedead

  • Depressing in the winter, which lasts for ten thousand years, give or take.
  • Not much better in the summer, if we’re honest.
  • Also, “summer” is relative: it never gets above -200C.
  • Planet Seven once ate it, leading to a six-year relationship.
  • Dreading Neil Degrasse Tyson’s upcoming tweets; that guy started rubbing Planet Nine the wrong way about a year ago.
  • Don’t get Planet Nine started on Michio Kaku: that man just makes bullshit up and has scientist hair.
  • Michio Kaku is to science what Dr. Oz is to medicine: they both started out with good intentions, but now they just like being on TV.
  • Much more massive than Earth, and some have accused Planet Nine of steroid use.
  • Much more gassy than Earth, and others have accused Planet Nine of chimichanga use.
  • When tourists from Planet Nine come here, they pretend to not understand tipping, but they totally do.
  • Each “year” is 15,000 years long, so hockey season lasts forever.
  • Wifi is spotty.
  • Planet’s name far scarier if you’re German.
  • May or may not be inhabited by space-walruses.
  • Probably not, but maybe.
  • Although: to the space-walrus, you would be the alien.
  • Maaaan.
  • Somehow got a hold of Andy Cohen’s phone number and now won’t stop harassing him about doing Real Housewives of Planet Nine.
  • Composed of hydrogen, helium, methane, and fabreze.
  • Planet Nine’s Powerball is up to a billion space-dollars and it’ll probably be won by some illegal immigrant from Planet Ten, like always.
  • It should be noted that Planet Ten is a complete shithole.
  • Also: if you hit Planet Ten, you’ve gone too far.
  • We left Matt Damon there.