Things You Might Have Missed At The State Of The Union

by thoughtsonthedead

  • President Obama has been working out a lot lately, and his neck is getting really thick; plus he flexed a lot.
  • Paul Ryan blatantly on his phone.
  • The section of the speech about how great a movie Out of Sight was didn’t need to be so long, if exist at all.
  • Halfway through the speech, one of the Senators put a frog he had stolen from the Science Committee’s lab down the business suit of one the Congresspersons, and there was a lot of commotion.
  • The cameras do not capture how much old man farting is going on in that room.
  • And let’s not be sexist: there are also farts from old ladies.
  • As has been the case since 2013, John Kerry is entirely computer-generated and played by Andy Serkis.
  • Biden sang Terrapin.
  • At regular intervals during the speech, Obama paused to read Bingo numbers; Senate Chief Deputy Whip Mike Crapo (R-Idaho) was the first to call “Bingo!” and he won a real nice popcorn popper.
  • Have they changed the introduction? Has it always been a roadie bellowing, “YOU WANTED THE BEST, AND YOU GOT ‘EM?”
  • Samson>Estimated>Eyes>Terrapin>Drums>Space>Miracle>Black Peter>Sugar Mag.
  • E: U.S. Blues, obviously.
  • Much has been made of the president’s “lame duck” status, and he doesn’t help matters when he gives State of the Union addresses with one eye on the Cavaliers game on his iPhone.
  • President Obama also promised to normalize relations with your mother.
  • Then the president locked eyes with Kim Davis and performed an abortion right on the podium.
  • Never broke eye contact, and it was a late-term abortion, too.
  • Very late-term: kid was eight or nine.
  • The Joint Chiefs of Staff have a secret competition with each other to see who can wear the prettiest lingerie under his uniform.
  • Special appearance by Peabo Bryson and Wayland Flowers & Madame!
  • Several of members of the government turned–briefly, I’ll grant you–back into their reptilian forms and no one saw it except me but I swear it’s true.
  • Admit it: you’re only 98% sure some of those fuckers aren’t lizard people.
  • Biden wielded the Flying Guillotine of Environmental Stewardship. (It also trims bushes.)
  • The rebuttal was given by a talking gun made out of Jesuses.