Gov. Greg Abbott: Real American

by thoughtsonthedead

Greg Abbott, the Governor of Texas, loves the Constitution so much that he wants to fundamentally alter it. This might seem strange, but you’re not a lawyer.

The Governor has had a busy day, retweeting a rape accusation against Bill Clinton (Rapeghazi,) and releasing an ambitious plan to convene a Constitutional Convention and amend our founding document nine times.

Nine times.

Governor Abbott is, of course, a koo-koo bird and a dickweed, but he is a sane man; plenty of ideas didn’t make the final list of nine. TotD presents Rejected Proposed Amendments:

  • Texas can do whatever the fuck it wants.
  • Y’all sumbitches can vote or whatever the fuck, but Texas is gonna tell Texas what to do, y’hear me, boy?
  • Texas gets ten or twelve more Senators.
  • We get the Super Bowl every year.
  • Jesus.
  • Ain’t no more speed limit, ‘less you got outta state plates.
  • From now on, President’s gotta be a Real American.
  • In fact, All Americans gotta be Real Americans.
  • Each state will get two Challenge Flags it can throw on any given Supreme Court decision.
  • The Federal Government is prohibited from random bodily searches, specifically grabbing at my damn ballsack every damn time I get on a plane.
  • Beginning to think they’re gettin’ their jollies off doing it.
  • I will not settle down: I’m the goddamned Governor of the great state of Texas and I got guys in polyester shirts grabbing at my damn ballsack twice a damn week.
  • Yes, Jenkins: of course you should be writing this down; we’re brainstorming and all my ideas are good in brainstorming.
  • Now I lost my train of thought, got all worked up about my damn ballsack.
  • How ’bout a Purge?