Me Katy, You John

by thoughtsonthedead

img_3086“I have abandoned China for Africa, my true love John Mayer.”

“We’re keeping it casual, and I think this is one of your music videos.”



“Fine. Is this part of your hallucinogen-inspired journey of self?”

“No true White Person Walkabout would be complete without a voyage to Africa.”

“Please don’t call it–”

“The Motherland.”

“–the Motherland. Please come home.”

“I am the Queen of the Jungle, John.”

“The elephant is not a jungle animal: it doesn’t fit. I won’t even ask what the tiger is doing in Africa.”

“I had him flown here. He used to belong to Tippi Hedron.”

“Oh, neat.”

“My consciousness has expanded, John. I am the first true Biophile. Do you know what that means, John?”


“It sounds cool, though, right?”

“How much LSD have you taken?”

“LSD? We’re beyond that now. We’ve been communicating with the beasts through a new chemical, 2CV.”

“Is that like 2CB?”

“Yes, but with a V.”

“Where are you even getting this stuff?”

“I’ve employed a rogue chemist as my personal entheogenicist. He’s a Nobel winner.”

“How the hell did you get a Nobel winner to cook for you?”

“He’s also a drunken anti-Semite with gambling debts.”

“Rare combination.”

“Not as rare as you’d think: the list of Nobel laureates is peopled with reprobates, deadbeats, junkies, and four confirmed sexual pickpockets.”

“Sexual pickpockets.”

“Sexual pick–”

“What’s a sexual pickpocket?”

“When you don’t realize you got jerked off til a half hour later.”

“You have gotten very weird, Katy.”

“Mrs. Katy Jean. I have become glorious.”