Line(up) In The Sand
This is the newly-announced roster for this year’s Coachella, which is a festival in the high desert where filthy young people take drugs. This is not to be confused with Bonnaroo, which is a festival in a grassy field where filthy young people take drugs.
As in previous years, the headliners are big-time rock and rollers. They’ve had U2 and Snoopy Dogg and Drake (who is very big with the kids) and AC/DC (who tanked). Muse headlined one year, even though Muse is the rock version of soccer: America has said “no, thank you.”
It is getting late, and I am growing weary, so allow me to forego the tyranny of paragraphs. Totd presents Random Thoughts On Coachella:
- How is Father John Misty not a part of this?
- This seems like his kind of scene.
- This list makes me feel incredibly out of touch.
- Not old: there are a bunch of folks in my Twitter feed around my age who know most of these bands.
- I’m just completely fucking oblivious.
- In my defense: most of these bands are shit.
- That’s the way the world works, or at least art/show biz.
- As the man said, it’s science.
- Let’s just organize this mass of humanity into three workable groups: bands I know; bands I have heard of; and bands who may or may be fictional.
- Obviously, I know and love Guns N’ Roses, but am withholding my opinion until some questions are answered re: Izzy, and also re: Steven fucking Adler.
- Fuck Matt Sorum. Matt Sorum ruined the sound of Guns N’ Roses. They sounded like every other heavy band after his fat, leathery ass joined the band.
- Steven fucking Adler, man.
- We know Duff is gonna be there; I need to hear about Izzy and Steve.
- Also: Thoughts on the Dead Off Track Betting (TotDotB) is setting the over/under for minutes the show starts late at 75. The line on the entire thing being cancelled before it happens is 5-2, with a public fistfight at 10-1.
- I also know Ice Cube, and can rap along with him when he tells the story about playing basketball and seeing blimps and not shooting people.
- Rancid is also known to me: they were one of the East Bay punk bands that wore their influences on their sleeve so proudly that they were sort of besides the point; Ruby Soho is a great tune, though.
- And, um: that’s it.
- I’m just gonna put my hands on my knees and concentrate on my breathing for a while.
- I have-thankfully–at least heard of the other two headliners, but not heard their music.
- Calvin Harris is a rich person with a computer; he dates Taylor Swift; does he have great hair?
- And then there’s LCD Soundsystem.
- Literally the only thing I know about this band is that they retired.
- Like, two years ago.
- Not “broke up” – retired, and made an enormous and ponderous and self-serving fuss about the whole thing.
- LCD Soundsystem is only one guy, right?
- Like a wussy Nine Inch Nails?
- Something scandalous and scoundrelous about making a big deal out of retiring–even filming a movie about it–then going right back on the road two years later.
- Dead would never do that.
- Other acts I have heard of: A$AP Rocky, Edward Sharpe, Sufjan Stevens, 1975, Ellie Goulding, and Courtney Barnett.
- I was about to put Run the Jewels on that list until I looked again and realized that they were not playing; instead two acts named Run and Jewels were scheduled next to one another.
- They did that shit on purpose.
- Fuck you, Coachella: I thought Killer Mike was gonna drop some heavy truth on suckers.
- There are also bands I have never heard of; this is their fault, and I shall mock them for their rudeness.
- Jesus, there are some terrible band names on here.
- RUFUS DU SOUL, TOKiMONSTA, HEALTH, KSHMR, BADBADNOTGOOD, and SOPHIE: stop that shit.
- There don’t seem to be any Grateful Dead-related acts on here, but GnR are gritting their teeth and getting paid like grown-ups, so the spirit of the Dead will be there.