In Case Of Home Infestation…

by thoughtsonthedead

Termites Call an exterminator.

Fruit flies Clean up your house, you sloppy menace. Fruit flies lead inexorably to science experiments.

Mice An exterminator could help, but what you really need is a cat, or a fleet of mini hunter-killer dronebots.

Snakes If you are Slash, then there is no recourse against the snakes, for they are there at your pleasure. For anyone else whose house is suddenly filled with sidewinders and mambas: crank the AC as low as possible and close all the shades. Snakes are cold-blooded and will get logy and slow in the chill; then, you can use their confusion against them.

Snails Salt.

Sloths In the abstract, a sloth infestation would be great; you could probably get Instagram-famous from it. In reality, sloths smell like the worst hospital in Mumbai. Luckily, they’re sloths, so you can just pick them up with a blanket or stuff them in a bag and toss ’em in the neighbor’s yard.

Tapirs What kind of life are you leading to have a tapir infestation? You need Jesus.

Moths Moths navigate by the moon, so show them your tushee and lead them out of your home. You’ll probably have to buy new clothes, too.

Puppies You do not have a problem.

Unicorns This would be much worse than you’d think: instead of magic, there would be an impaling–intentional or accidental–rather quickly. And even if you don’t get run through, a unicorn is still a horse and should not be inside. They are panicky beasts who make giant doodies.

Monkeys Terrible things would happen. Monkeys hate humans, and it is because they are jealous of us. People evolved. We left our hometowns and made something of ourselves; monkeys never left and spend their days smoking pot and hanging from stuff. Monkeys see, in us, their own failures. Monkeys are haters.

Apes This has to be broken down: chimps and gorillas would kill you, and they would do it in a most unpleasant way; orangutans might ignore you, but their stench would get into the walls and floorboards and the building would be condemned; and bonobos would fuck you. (I guess “fuck” isn’t the right word. “Sex things would happen to you,” is more correct.)

Werewolfs To be honest: most of the time, they’re great roommates.

Kangaroos If there is a mob of kangaroos in your house, that means you are in Australia, and even if you get the ‘roos out successfully, there’s probably a spider with ten knives instead of a dick in your closet. Can’t help you: let the kangaroos kill you.

Bats Easy: get a night job. This way, you’re out of the house when the bats are there. Plus, guano is a good organic fertilizer and you can sell it to farmers.

Wolverines The pluralization might help you here: wolverines are intensely anti-social creatures and putting more than one of them in any enclosed space will lead to a fight to the death among the animals; you can use this distraction to escape. If there is only one wolverine, you are going to die.

Brown bears Play dead or climb a tree. (One of those.)

Black bears Play dead or climb a tree. (The other one.)

The Ghost of Lady Di This gets old quick: she’s just not bright, and she won’t shut the fuck up. Also, ghost paparazzi.

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