A Helpful Guide To The Paris Agreement
- The Paris Agreement has been signed by 195 countries and says that the world will limit temperature rise through a process of decarbonizing the economies of the world; the ceiling will be a two-degree (Celsius, because the Agreement was written mostly by foreigners) increase in temperature.
- The industrialized nations of the world will help the poor countries, such as the Maldives, which we may or may not have sunk.
- All smog and carbon factories will be closed immediately.
- I don’t even know why they were built in the first place, to be honest.
- Internal combustion engine vehicles will be banned by 2030, and sports cars will be a thing of the past, unless you have an uncle with a country place that no one knows about; he says it used to be a farm before the Motor Laws.
- If you don’t recycle, someone drags you onto your front lawn and slaps you silly in front of the neighbors.
- To aid the oceans, there will be foreign aid to help countries go from “dumping the doody directly into the ocean” to the more ecological “anything other than that.”
- The phrase “carbon-neutral” does not appear in the final language of the Agreement, but only because Switzerland threw a fit and was all, “We’re neutral. Being neutral is our thing.”
- Dishwashers will now come with sensors that know if you’re running them half-full, and they will alert the proper authorities and you will be noted as being uncooperative.
- Restaurants no longer allowed to use styrofoam as fuel for barbecue fires.
- Anyone caught carving their initials into a tree will be shot on sight.
- Upgrades in national transit will be subsidized for high-speed, high-volume trains which work wonderfully in every country that isn’t as stupidly large as America.
- From now on, if you want to burn old tires, you have to do it indoors.
- Alternate means to extract oil from shale will be explored, or at least a new name will be found other than “fracking” such as “Hugging Mother Earth ’til She Squirts.”
- A committee has been funded to study so-called “Hail Mary” ideas for dealing with the rising temperature, such as: giant space umbrella; trying to suck up the carbon in the atmosphere via some sort of chemical process that would almost certainly kill us all; millions of hamsters in millions of wheels hooked to millions of turbines; breeding massive super-potatoes and making batteries out of them; getting Earth a cool and refreshing beverage; what if we Matrix-ed some people?
- Companies in developing nations will be encouraged to build energy-efficient factories through government subsidies, which can be applied to the bribes one must surely have to pay to open up a factory in a developing nation.
- Santa will no longer be allowed to leave coal in naughty children’s stockings.