Fluent In Over Six Million Forms Of Conflict Mediation

by thoughtsonthedead

“I HAVE RECEIVED A COMMUNIQUE INSTRUCTING ME TO REPORT TO THIS OFFICE. WHO DARES TO SUMMON VADER?”

“Mr. Vader? Thanks for coming by. I’m Bob Hector, head of HR for the Death Star.”

“WE HAVE AN HR DEPARTMENT?”

“Well, in addition to being a Death Star, I also consider this a Life Star.”

“YOU SHOULD NOT.”

“Almost two million people work here, Mr.–”

“LORD.”

“–Vader and managing them is a big task. Unfortunately, when you have that many people in a confined space, conflict will arise. It appears someone has filed a complaint against you. There was some behavior in a meeting that we need to discuss.”

“IS THIS ABOUT THE FORCE-CHOKING?”

“It is about physically assaulting a co-worker and creating a hostile work environment.”

“OF COURSE IT’S A HOSTILE WORK ENVIRONMENT: IT IS THE DEATH STAR.”

“Nevertheless, it is a professional atmosphere and standards must be maintained and company policy followed. We’re trying to avoid lawsuits, Mr. Vader.”

“LAWSUITS? WHO WOULD FILE–IT IS LORD VADER, NOT MISTER–A LAWSUIT AGAINST ME? I AM VADER: SCOURGE OF THE NOGHRI, ENSLAVER OF THE WOOKIEE, CRUSHER OF THE MANDALORIAN FORCES.”

“That has no bearing on choking a person in a meeting.”

“FINE. WHEN AM I ALLOWED TO FORCE-CHOKE A PERSON IN A MEETING?”

“Never. Oh, God, never.”

“WHAT IF THEY DISPLEASE ME?

“No.”

“WHAT IF THEY ARE INSOLENT?”

“No.”

“THE INSOLENT MUST BE FORCE-CHOKED. THAT IS HOW YOU TREAT INSOLENCE.”

“Absolutely not.  Would you like to sit down?”

“I PREFER TO LOOM OMINOUSLY.”

“Fine. The choking has to stop.”

“WHAT ABOUT FORCE–”

“You may not use the Force to punch people in their dicks.”

“–DICKPUNCHING. DAMMIT.”

“While you’re here, there is another complaint.”

“IS IT FROM OZZEL? HE IS INCOMPETENT, AND HE ALERTED THE REBELS TO OUR PRESENCE. I HAD TO FORCE-CHOKE HIM. I WAS FORCED TO FORCE-CHOKE.”

“Wait, you Force-choked someone else? This is not about that. What did you do to Admiral Ozzel?”

“OZZEL HAD A HEART ATTACK.”

“Really?”

“WHAT IS THE OTHER COMPLAINT ABOUT?”

“Sexual harassment.”

“I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT.”

“You need to stop making “grand moff” jokes in front of women.”

“WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? THERE ARE NO WOMEN IN THE EMPIRE.”

“Are you kidding me? Half of the Stormtroopers are women. You just can’t tell in the armor.”

“YOU’RE KIDDING ME.”

“No.”

“OH, NOT COOL. I GET UNDRESSED IN FRONT OF THEM!”

“You didn’t know?”

“NOT A CLUE.”

“You should also stop getting undressed in front of them, probably.”

“SURE.”

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