Found In The West
A terrifying moment earlier in the evening, Enthusiasts: informed of a new post on Lost Live Dead, this one about Philadelphia and its crucial but overlooked role in the Dead’s success, I sprinted (in an internet sense: I actually moved a finger slightly) to the site only to find it temporarily down!
Gratefully, it has been restored and we can all enjoy it; I have not read it for fear of becoming obsessed with Philadelphia before getting the Japan thing fully out of my system. I can now share with you Similarities Between Japan And Philadelphia:
- You can get Japanese food in both places.
- There are movie theaters.
- Most people sleep at night, but some people do not because of work or other reasons.
- There is rain.
- Other times, it is bright and clear.
- They take sports seriously.
- Ninjas are feared.
- A touch of psychopathy and a deep loathing of their neighbors.
- If you get hit by a car hard enough, you will die.
- Although, you probably got hit intentionally if it was Philly.
- You angered one of them, I don’t know, why’d you go to Philly if you didn’t want to be hit by a car?
- Doodies are made in both places, but in very different ways; the Japanese are beating us in the Toilet Race.
- My fellow Americans, there is a Tushee Gap.
- You ever used a Japanese toilet?
- It’s like checking your asshole into the Four Seasons.
- BOOM: billion dollar idea; I just disrupted pooping; where’s my start-up money?
- Plus the iToilet weighs and analyzes your leavings and tells you just how healthy and special you are: every yuppie asshole in the country would buy one, especially when they hear that it syncs to your phone and fitness tracker, and is a WiFi hotspot.
- Japan and Philadelphia enjoy many varied pornographies.
- Never won the Super Bowl.