Child Is Vader To The Man

by thoughtsonthedead

A long time ago on an innertubes far, far away.

“LUKE, I HAVE NEVER APOLOGIZED FOR CUTTING OFF YOUR HAND.”

“Thank you, Father.”

“NOTHING?”

“What?”

“YOU CUT OFF MY HAND IN RETURN. ARE YOU NOT GOING TO APOLOGIZE?”

“I cut off the end of your robot arm. Someone cut off your hand a long time ago. You cut off my actual flesh hand. Not the same thing.”

“YOU LASHED OUT WITH SUCH RAGE. SUCH FURY. YOU CONTAINED ALL THAT WAS NECESSARY FOR MASTERY OF THE TRUE POWER OF THE FORCE: THE DARK SIDE.”

“But I chose differently.”

“AND INSPIRED ME, MY SON.”

“Father, what if I had offered to join you? What would you have done?”

“I WOULD HAVE DARTHED YOU RIGHT UP. YOU WOULD HAVE BEEN DECAPITATING CLASSROOMS FULL OF YOUNGLINGS WITHIN WEEKS.”

“No, Father. I believe the light side of the Force would have seen me through.”

“YOU WOULD ABANDON THESE BELIEFS ONCE YOU TASTED THE POWER THAT IS THE DARK SIDE. WE COULD HAVE RULED THE GALAXY AS FATHER AND SON.”

“Right. You mentioned that. What exactly is ‘ruling the galaxy?’ Like, what’s the day-to-day on that like?”

“I CAN’T LIE: IT’S A STRESSFUL JOB.”

“Yeah.”

“FAR MORE PAPERWORK THAN YOU’D EVER IMAGINE. AT A CERTAIN POINT, IT BECOMES LESS ABOUT THE EMPIRE AND MORE ABOUT TRYING TO MANAGE THE BUREAUCRACY.”

“But in a dark side way, right?”

“YES: I WOULD SEXUALLY HARASS ALL THE STAFF IN THE OFFICE.”

“That’s terrible.”

“I WOULD USE THE FORCE TO GRAB THEIR BUTTS.”

“You’re terrible.”

“YOU WOULD HAVE MADE A WONDERFUL SITH APPRENTICE. I HAD PICKED OUT A DARTH NAME FOR YOU.”

“What?”

“DARTH MONSTER.”

“Again: terrible.”

“IT HAS A SIMPLE ELEGANCE.”

“It would make me sound simple! Who’d be afraid of that guy? ‘I’m Derp Monster! Comin’ to getcha!'”

“BLOW UP A PLANET OR TWO AND THEY’LL STOP MAKING JOKES.”

“See, when you say things like that, I question your change of heart and think that you’re still evil but no one will hang out with you but me.”

“NOOOOO.”

“Good talk, Dad.”

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