Alternate Dimension Thanksgivings

by thoughtsonthedead

Cranksgiving Instead of turkey, crystal meth.

Tranqsgiving Instead of crystal meth, haldol.

Yanksgiving Just like regular Thanksgiving, but at halftime of the Lions game, everyone watches Uncle Todd play with himself.

Ankhgsiving Every year, the gravy boat overflows and turns the entire table into a fertile valley

Clanksgiving You are visited by the ghost of your old business partner, and he is dragging his chains and the whole thing is simply fraught with symbolism. “You must change your ways before this Christmas dawn!” and you go, “Great, I got a month.” And he’s like, “Is it not Christmas?” And you go, “It’s Thanksgiving, bro.” So he says, “They’ve already put up all the bullshit!” And you’re all, “Dude: I know. It’s fucking ridiculous. It started three weeks ago.” And the ghost goes, “You’re shitting me. There should be a law.” And you say, “Thanks, Obama.”

Banksgiving What a great day for turkey: let’s eat two!

Shanksgiving If the turkey’s dry, you get stabbed.

Skanksgiving This holiday has a venereal disease.

Planksgiving In November, pirates get together and make lists of the things they’re thankful for; most of the lists are just the word “treasure,” but occasionally you’ll see a “sodomy” pop up. (Let’s be honest: if you put enough pirates in a room, then sodomy is going to pop up.)

Stanksgiving “Which one you little bastards is cutting the cheese? Holy jumping jizzballs, it smells like someone barbecued a cat with the hair still on it! Who was it? Mikey? Tommy? Fartin’ Joe? WAS IT YOU, FARTIN’ JOE?”

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