A Quick One While We’re Away

by thoughtsonthedead

[PDF] Katy Perry and John Mayer“Katy-doodle–”

“Don’t call me that.”

“–we only done got 48 hours for this safari interlude before I gotta get back to soloing. We all gonna get to Colorado and smoke doobies that are so high-class that they step out of the shower to take a dump.”

“Why are you talking like that?”

“When I see these savannahs–”

“Nope.”

“–fecund with life and stuff to look and shoot at, well: my trigger-boner gets itchy.”

“We’re not shooting anything. What are you talking about? ‘Trigger-boner’ is not a thing.”

“GONNA BRING DADDY A TROPHY!”

“Are you really my on-again/off-again celebrity boyfriend John Mayer, or is this more of the Grateful Dead’s bullshit that, as the highest-earning female performer in America last year, I neither deserve nor tolerate?”

“I may have had a sim-suit made up that mimicked Young John Mayer’s physique and features, yes.”

“And you really are?”

“Roy Head. Yes, that–

“SECURITY!”

“–Roy Head…yeah, that’s an understandable call.”

THERE IS A STRUGGLE.

“Wait. Where’s John?”

 

CUT TO: FRONT STREET, INTERIOR

YOU ARE PRETTY, BUT BOBBY WAS MUCH PRETTIER.

“How do you even see me? You don’t have eyes.”

HOW DO YOU MAKE SOUND WITHOUT A CENTER CLUSTER?

“Fine. Can you at least untie me.”

HOW? I HAVE NO HANDS.

“I see what you’re doing.”

YOU ARE BODY-SHAMING AND IT IS NOT RIGHT.

“You don’t have a body! You’re a semi-fictional PA system!”

ENJOY BEING TIED UP, JOHN MAYER.

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