Things Improved By The Addition Of Kung Fu
- The opera.
- Farmer’s markets.
- Pediatrician’s office.
- The line for Cinnabon at the airport.
- Imagine going to the bank for a loan and having your approval and interest rate determined not by your credit score, but by how strong your kung fu was. I think that would be an improvement, or at least more memorable.
- Other peoples’ picnics.
- Non-kung fu movies.
- War. (I’m talking about replacing the guns and bombs and ships and planes with kung fu, not adding kung fu into the mix. That would make war worse. I want a war in which the most advanced technologies are sticks and backfilpping. If wars were fought using solely kung fu, then I would vote for whichever candidate promised the most wars. War would be awesome.)
- All sports except ice hockey because someone would get their throat sliced open in the first period and we’re just trying to have fun here, man.
- Basketball would be much better with kung fu, because–and you’ll know this if you’ve seen Kareem Abdul Jabbar fight Bruce Lee in Game of Death–people who are seven feet tall look ludicrous doing kung fu.
- Presidential debates. (Would you ever miss a second of the debates if you knew that the candidates were going to kick one another in the head and face and neck and head again?)
- Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade.
- Popes should be chosen using kung fu.