More Adventures Of Roy Head, For Some Reason

by thoughtsonthedead


“Officer, I know why you’ve stopped me: it’s because I’m Roy Head. Yes, that Roy Head. You should have heard of me.

“You halt my vehicular momentum, Officer, and for what? The speeding? The collisions? The fact that you already stopped me ’bout ten minutes back and I stole your cop car, forcing you to give chase in my Canary Yellow Cadillac Coupe de Ville that I call Tweetybird?

“I personally imported the seat leather from Corinthia.

“Officer, if there’s two things this world knows about Joe Head, it’s that he’s a musical genius with legs that go wibble and wobble, and that he respects our policemen and our firemen, and once jacked it to a police lady, and there ain’t no such thing as fireladies in Texas in the 1970’s.

“If there were a firelady, I’d jack it to her, though. I ain’t prejudiced.

“Knowing that is to know that Joe Head could never lie to no policeman: I have had a beer or two this evening. Also, this afternoon.  I had no beers this morning, though. Mostly cuz me and Shipps and Big Fuzzy had mixed ourselves up a gallon or so of Santa Anas. A Santa Ana is a tequila and Dr. Pepper shot followed by a punch in the face by a Mexican fella.

“They’ll get on top of ya.

“Officer, I may be a sinner but I ain’t no criminal! Speed me on my way or I’ll exercise my rights, damn you! Gonna sic Slippy and Sloppy on ya! That’s what I call my freakish rubber-legs, Slippy and Sloppy, and you’re about to see ’em in action, lawman! Where’s Slippy? He’s behind you! Where’s Sloppy go? Sloppy in the dadgum backseat! Of a GOT-damn Cadillac Coupe de Ville!

“That’s a good five six yards, Officer.

“I need you to tell my magic legs and my purposeful mutton-chops to be on their way, and I’ll go with them. I will not relinquish my freedom to love and smoke and love to smoke to you! Lemme out your clutches!”

“Sir, this is the McDonald’s drive-through. Can I get you some food?”


“I’m gonna get the manager.”