The Faster We Go, The Ratner We Get

by thoughtsonthedead

4 days ago
“Hey, loser: you see that show tonight? I killed it, dick.”

How so?

“All of the songs were spelled right. You see that font I picked out?”

It was groovy.

“Right? Matched the vibe. That’s what I do: I vibe and things happen.”

I liked how you didn’t seem to be paying much attention to the music and just lazily switched from one shot to the next.

“I was improvisationing–”

Not a word.

“–just like the Dead & Company have for fifty years.”


“You see the chicks?”

We all saw them, Brett.

“Couple nice pieces of skank. I would take ’em into a sauna and stick my finger in them.”


“Check their temperatures. If they were low on fluids, maybe.”

Ew again. Stop being Brett Ratner, Brett Ratner.

“Slap their titties with my chubby Jew-paws.”


“Promise ’em a part in my next movie if they shave my thighs.”


“Get those hamstrings shining and smooth.”

I’m begging you to stop.

“You see how I showed tweets? Put tweets right up on the television screen as if that weren’t expressly mentioned in the Bible as ‘shit not to do?’ When you hear the Dead’s music, you also want to see tweets.”

I saw that.

“And then I said ‘Let’s have TV’s Adam Scott speak earnestly about the Dead and their impact on him,’ and no one stopped me.”

I saw that, too.

“Great kid, Scotty. Fag, but a cock like a French bull.”

I wish you’d stop saying these awful things.

“Band stopped me from doing some stuff. Wanted to do Hologram Garcia.”

Of course you did.

“Said no, so I wanted to show pictures of Jerry and Brett and Vic and Karl and Porcupine while John and the Boys played one of those slow songs that lasts forever. Didn’t go for it.”


“Nah. They were dicks about it at the meeting, too.”


“But, whatever. Me and Mayer talked about watches and pussy for two hours.”

Jesus, man. It’s a family blog.

“Yeah, I’m talking about making babies.”


“Mouth babies.”

I hate you.

“You see the Spider cam?”


“I named that, y’know?”

Because it hangs in the air like a spider?

“No, I just got a Porsche P1 Spider and people need to know that shit.”

You make me sad.

“Yeah, I’ll cry into my dinner at Rao’s with you.”

What was your artistic vision with the Spider cam?

“Well, I had seen it on football games, right? How it goes back and forth and shit? So when I saw there was one at the Garden, I told the guy, “Make it go back and forth and shit,” and then pretty much left it at that.”

Sure. Brett, what would you consider your greatest success on this project?

“You see this?”

“You see how my name appears as many times as Dead & Company’s and American Express’ does?”

I see that.

“That is my masterpiece.”

It’s not bad.

“Gives me wood.”

We’re done.