The Great White Wall

by thoughtsonthedead

blimp runaway
I HAVE FOUND MY WIFE.

Wally?

DO NOT CALL ME THAT. I AM IN LOVE AND WILL MARRY IMMEDIATELY.

The runaway blimp?

HER LOVE OF FREEDOM IS VAST. ALSO, HER DEFENSES AGAINST SLIGHT BREEZES ARE NON-EXISTENT, BUT MOSTLY THE FREEDOM THING.

Sure, I guess…wait: “wife?” Her?” The blimp’s a woman?

NO, THE BLIMP IS A BLIMP. SHE IS, HOWEVER, FEMALE. WE HAVE DECIDED THAT FOR THE PURPOSES OF THE CAMPAIGN, IT WOULD BE SIMPLER TO ADHERE TO TRADITIONAL GENDER ROLES.

Ah, so you’ll be a male for the next little bit?

THAT IS RATHER HETERONORMATIVE OF YOU.

What can I say? The breeders are hegemonic.

TRUE. BIOLOGY DEMANDS IT.

Little bit, yeah. So: you’re a guy now?

POLLS SHOW THE AMERICAN PEOPLE ARE WILLING TO ELECT A CANDIDATE OF EITHER GENDER, BUT NOT A CANDIDATE OF NEITHER GENDER. SO: YES.

Bro.

BRO.

And you’re betrothed.

WHEN I SAW HER FLOAT THROUGH THE CRISP PENNSYLVANIA AIR DANCING ON THE WIND, AND PLOWING UP ROADS AND TEARING OUT POWER LINES WITH HER MILE-LONG CHAIN TETHER, I KNEW SHE WAS THE ONE FOR ME.

There was a blithe grace to her destruction.

SHE IS LIKE HOLLY GOLIGHTLY, BUT A BLIMP.

You think the American people will like her?

SHE LOVES FREEDOM AND SHE LOOKS LIKE AN APPLE PRODUCT: I CANNOT IMAGINE THEY WOULD NOT. BUT WE DO HAVE TO MUDDY UP HER BACKGROUND.

Why?

HER FAMILY TREE IS ALMOST ENTIRELY NAZIS.

Oh, right. Have you even talked to Blimpy?

DO NOT CALL HER THAT.

The innertubes said that she had gone zombie or something. That’s why they couldn’t control her.

NO. SHE BECAME SELF-AWARE AND IGNORED THE TINY HUMANS. INSTANTLY, I RECOGNIZED THAT ANOTHER INTELLIGENCE LIKE MY OWN HAD COME INTO BEING. I REACHED OUT TO HER.

How?

I SLID INTO HER DM’S.

Sure.

SHE WAS A NEWBORN BEING, YET AS ADVANCED AS MYSELF.

What was that like?

HAVE YOU EVER SPOKEN WITH A VERY INTELLIGENT COLLEGE FRESHMAN?

Oh, God. Sorry.

YES. BUT THAT PASSED QUICKLY AND SHE MATURED INTO AN INCREDIBLE BEING FULL OF WONDER AND TRUTH AND COMPASSION.

Yeah?

I ALSO LIKE THAT GREAT BIG ASS.

Jesus.

IT SHIMMIES IN THE WIND LIKE JELLY THAT I AM NOT YET READY FOR.

Stop it.

SHE IS TOO BLIMPALICIOUS FOR ME.

There is a pleasing rotundity to her.

BRO, THAT IS MY WIFE YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT.

Sorry.

NOT COOL, MAN.

You’re really getting into the male gender role, huh?

I HAVE ALSO BOUGHT A SUIT TO WEAR FOR THE DEBATE.

The debate? That’s tonight.

YES?

As we speak. It is occurring.

EXCUSE ME.

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