Thoughts On The New Star Wars Poster

by thoughtsonthedead

star wars force awakens poster

  • The Force is awakening; it had been resting, or dead asleep, or maybe The Force took a catnap that accidentally lasted two hours and now The Force is never gonna sleep tonight.
  • Or maybe The Force is awakening in the sexual sense.
  • This film could be about The Force coming to terms with its homosexuality.
  • There are eight human characters in this poster and two of them are wearing capes.
  • Holy shit, there were a ton of capes in Star Wars.
  • Vader and Obi-Wan had capes, and don’t give me any bullshit about robes: both of those men were wearing capes.
  • Princess Leia had three separate capes; one per movie.
  • Medal ceremony in the first one.
  • Cloud City, where she accidentally put on Bea Arthur’s costume from the Holiday Special.
  • Endor, and don’t give me any bullshit about ponchos: that was a camouflage cape.
  • Fucking Lando had a cape.
  • Boba Fett had a cape and he had a rocket pack.
  • You know how cape-positive your galaxy has to be to already be wearing a rocket pack and still throw on a cape.
  • I have sincerely just realized the enormous magnitude of capery in the SWU and it’s freaking me out a bit.
  • Anyway, a full quarter of the human characters in this poster are be-caped.
  • Imagine you left the house and every fourth person you saw was wearing a cape.
  • That’s what your average Coruscanter or Corellian has to deal with every day.
  • In true Star Wars tradition, the bad guy is very bad.
  • He’s a new Darth.
  • Darth Knifedick or something.
  • Darth Fuckface.
  • Whatever: he’s very bad.
  • Next to him is a lady, and the lady has a stick; this would not be my choice of weaponry in a galaxy of blasters and lightsabers, but maybe it’s a special space stick.
  • On the other side, the Death Star fucked a Pokemon and now the baby is fully operational.
  • Did they really build another one of those things?
  • They’re more fragile than Derrick Rose.
  • And is it a good guy now?
  • A space station the size of a small moon and equipped with a superlaser that blows up planets is–by definition–not a good guy; there’s no way to blow up a planet and still be the good guy.
  • Even if the planet is populated by nothing but Spider-Hitlers and they’re building spaceships, you still can’t Alderaan the place: it is against the Space Geneva Conventions.
  • The black guy is now a Jedi; in the teaser, he was a Stormtrooper, so I guess he discovered his Force powers.
  • The first sign he was different was when he hit something he was shooting at.
  • The Stormtrooper in front wearing the bling and the cape is played by an actress named Gwendoline Christie, who previously starred in Dr. Zhivago and Don’t Look Now.
  • The character’s name is Captain Phasma, because when George Lucas sold the property to Disney, he included a clause allowing him to name one character per film.
  • Captain Phasma serves under General Grievous, who answers to Darth Maul, and now that I see those names written down, I want to shoot myself for ever caring about this tripe.
  • Captain Phasma is also wearing chrome armor because, in combat, the thing to be is shiny.
  • Prediction: it’s actually Space Chrome and deflects lightsaber blades, even though there are no Jedi anymore, and therefore no lightsabers, and she would have no reason to have such a thing, but it’ll be a beat in one of the fight scenes where the Luke or the new Jedi try to swipe her in half and the blade bounces off.
  • There are also many normal Stormtroopers (Normtroopers) who are standing there looking impressive.
  • And then in the middle–in the heart of the poster–are the people and the stuff anyone cares about.
  • Tobacco the Space Monkey is there.
  • Both gay robots, who are now able to get space married.
  • And there are the ships, which were one of the failings of the prequels.
  • There were one or two failings.
  • The prequels’ ships were hideous and boring: there was the yellow thing that looked like the toy bird that balances himself on his beak; those dopey Trade federation donuts; when they finally got to proto-Star Destroyers and X-Wings in the third movie, it was too little and too late.
  • And even if they were attractive and charismatic spaceships: I don’t want them.
  • I want the things I ran around my basement holding at arm’s length; whooshing noises and laser sounds may have accompanied the exercise.
  • If Ralph McQuarrie didn’t draw it, then don’t put it in the damn Star Wars movie because it’s not damn Star Wars if Ralph McQuarrie didn’t draw it.
  • J.J. Abrams and the Disney people seem to have realized this because all the old ships are back in the movie, and the people who fly them are wearing orange jumpsuits with orange bibs and all will be right with the world.
  • Although, wouldn’t Han be like the one old cop still using his revolver?
  • Shouldn’t he have upgraded by now?
  • Han is also still doing the dark jacket over white shirt thing.
  • Princess Leia is still having her hair done by people who hate her.
  • There is also some sort of soccer-ball droid and what looks to be Space Dobby.
  • Luke Skywalker is not in it because the artist forgot.
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