Squaring Off

by thoughtsonthedead

You may all be Feeling the Bern or Climbing that Hill or Spinning the Webb or Someone from Baltimore? but TotD is happily wallowing in Shaw Brothers classics from the 70’s. I prefer it to white people politely disagreeing with one another about the Trans-Pacific-Partnership. The only Trans-Pacific-Partnership I care about is at the end of the movie when Kung fu goes up against Karate. (Check which country the film was made in; bet accordingly.)

Just a short list of Reasons Why Martial Arts Films are Better Than Democratic Presidential Debates:

  • Infinitely more kicking.
  • There will most likely be a bell or buzzer signifying when the speaker’s time is up, but that will be it for sound effects.
  • You will not hear The Punching Sound.
  • There is only one special effect sound allowed for overdubbing a punch: it is The Punching Sound, and it goes like this.
  • Wuh-PSSSH!
  • It’s not disconcerting when the people on screen talk and you can’t figure out what they’re saying.
  • Also: you might learn some Mandarin.
  • Ho means Yes.
  • Shifu means Master.
  • Hohhhhh-YAI means I Am Currently Kicking You.
  • Fascinating language.
  • No one is liveblogging any Kung fu movies, whereas every single human being in the country is liveblogging the debates.
  • Stop liveblogging things.
  • “Mom, when I grow up, I want to liveblog.”
  • Stop it.
  • I cannot overstate how much more kicking the Kung fu movie will contain.
  • The debate will–most likely–feature no kicking.
  • At all.
  • I know, right?
  • There will be no moderator.
  • Gwen Ifill, Jake Tapper, Wolf Blitzer: these people will not be in any martial arts movies, although there are several films in which the hero employs Wolf Blitzer-style against his enemies.
  • Kung fu movies don’t make you sad about America.
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