When The Snakes Come Marching In

by thoughtsonthedead

bobby snake

Here, Bobby poses with Irving Azoff.


Little-known fact: Bobby replaced the actor Alice Cooper and played the part of “Alice Cooper” on the failed CBS sitcom Alice Cooper.


In a closet of a bedroom in stately Weir manor, Snake T-Shirt cries the hot tears of the cuckold.

Not cool, Bobby. Snake T-Shirt fucking LOVES you, man, and you’re rubbing it in Snake T-Shirt’s face. Jesus: have the common courtesy to sneak around.

Did you just want a longer snake, Bobby? Tighter snake-skin? After all the shows and all the tours and all the years, Snake T-Shirt has some stretch marks. Blemish or two.

Remember all those abortions you forced Snake T-Shirt to get? Remember how you made Brent do them, even though the whole thing just freaked him out and he didn’t understand what was happening and would start screeching? Remember how much that made Billy laugh?

No one knew what you saw in Snake T-Shirt, Bobby. Honestly: absolutely no one knew why you liked that particular garment. You did, though.

Bobby and Snake T-Shirt, sitting in a tree.


White people don’t consider it a vacation unless they’ve bothered an animal.

(I never got the snake thing. I’d rather hang out with an alligator: sure, the gator’s trying to eat me, but at least it’s acknowledging my existence. I demand interaction from animals I shouldn’t be anywhere near.)


And thus the serpent was the craftiest of the all the beasts made by the LORD God. And thus the serpent did insinuate himself unto Front Street, which knew no sin.

And this serpent said unto Bobby,

“Hey, Bob.”

And knowing this serpent as crafty, Bobby, Son of Jack, did say unto the serpent.

“Oh, hey.”

And then the road crew did come upon the serpent, and they did know him.


Wait. Are boas named after boa constrictors or are boa constrictors named after boas? Did, in her long and glorious Broadway career, Carol Channing ever mistake her trademark feather boa for a hungry and irritated 12-foot python? If so, can you now picture Carol Channing bouncing blindly from wall to wall backstage with a giant snake eating her face? Can you now hear–in her distinctive voice–her terrified cries of “WHO DID THIS? WHO DID THIS TO CAROL CHANNING?”

I can both see and hear that.