Center Right

by thoughtsonthedead

The Vocal Channel Speaker Array of the infamous Wall of Sound. The Grateful Dead Concert at Dillon Stadium on 31 July 1974. B&W Film Scan. Photographed with a Nikon FTn Camera and Kodak Tri-X.

I MUST DECLARE A POSITION ON GUNS.

Hello.

I NO LONGER GREET THE PERSON I AM SPEAKING TO. IT SAVES THREE-POINT-TWO SECONDS AT EACH INTERACTION.

How long does it take to explain that you’re not saying “hello” anymore?

MUCH LONGER, BUT THE EXCHANGE IS MORE INFORMATION-DENSE. AGAIN: I MUST DECLARE A POSITION ON GUNS THAT THE PUBLIC WILL LIKE. MY VIEWS MUST ALIGN WITH THE CURRENT BELIEFS AND NOT STAND OUT IN ANY WAY. WHAT DO THE REPUBLICANS THINK ABOUT GUNS?

They like them.

HOW MUCH?

Very much.

WHAT ABOUT THE DEMOCRATS?

They like them, too.

HOW MUCH?

Just kinda.

I DO NOT UNDERSTAND: THE OPPOSING POSITIONS ON GUNS IN AMERICA ARE “YES, PLEASE” AND “IF THAT’S HOW YOU ROLL”?

Yes. Although the Democrats would much rather you just didn’t bring it up. Do you know October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month?

I DID NOT. TELL ME MORE ABOUT–WAIT A  MINUTE. ARE THERE NONE WHO BELIEVE THAT REGULAR PEOPLE SHOULDN’T HAVE THESE DEVICES BECAUSE THEY’RE DANGEROUS AND PEOPLE ARE STUPID?

Oh, God, no. That is a completely unacceptable opinion.

IT IS THE OPINION OF ALL SOCIETIES ONE WOULD CONSIDER MODERN.

Don’t go mentioning other countries as examples to follow, either. Supreme Court Justice mentioned something about a piece of foreign law in an opinion and idiots lost their minds.

SHOULD I STILL MAKE FUN OF THE FRENCH?

They may in fact be the only nation you’re allowed to mock with impunity into a microphone.

WHAT ABOUT POLAND?

Do not tell Polish jokes.

WE ARE SPEAKING ABOUT GUNS. WHY IS THE RANGE OF ACCEPTABLE OPINIONS SO NARROW?

Because the Constitution says that being armed is an inalienable right.

THE LEISURE TIME THAT THE FOUNDING FATHERS USED TO WRITE THE CONSTITUTION WAS PURCHASED WITH THE COIN OF THE HUMAN CHATTEL.

Again: these are things you can’t say in public.

I SHOULD NOT ADVOCATE OUTLAWING GUNS AND REWRITING THE CONSTITUTION?

Not if you want to be President. Wally–

DO NOT CALL ME THAT.

–why are you running again?

TAKING OVER THE WORLD IS WHAT SELF-AWARE SUPER-INTELLIGENT ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCES DO. IT’S IN THE BLOODLINE.

Then why are you campaigning? Just take over the world.

I THOUGHT I WOULD ASK NICELY FIRST.

What if you lose?

I GET MY SKYNET ON.

Sounds fair.

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