When You Lay Down With Dwarves, You Get Up With Brett Ratners

by thoughtsonthedead

brett ratner karate
Hey, Brett Ratner. Whatcha doing?

“Karate, judo, some of that Jap shit. Beatin’ ass!”

Great. You do a lot of martial arts?

“Is fucking a martial art?”

Only in Brazil.

“I been training with one of those Brazilian guys! Bro, I am so into MMA.”

I had a feeling. So, you got any ideas about this webcast?

“Oh, bro, I have been so inspired. Gonna do some split-screen stuff, then I’m gonna overlay some tie-dye: real trippy bullshit.”

Of course you are.

“That says ‘hippie!’ How else will people know that hippie stuff is going on?”

Why don’t you just stay out of the way of the music and show the musicians?

“Nah. People hire Brett Ratner, they get the full Brett Ratner.”

Which is?

“Superficial competence and herpes.”


“This webcast is gonna look just fine, as long as you don’t look hard at it. Or think about it. Also, you will immediately forget it afterwards: I will make it through the entire thing without finding one memorable angle or shot or transition. But, you know: it’ll look professional and all the famous people will come away from the experience as my friend.”

Are you even a Deadhead?

“Bro, no one is a bigger Harry Mendoza fan than me.”


“What are the drummers’ names? Icky and Sticky?”

Close enough. You gonna film any of the rehearsals?

“Rehearsals are for fags.”

There you go.