Thoughts On Alaska Without Research

by thoughtsonthedead

  • We’re not going to discuss her.
  • You can talk about Jersey without mentioning Springsteen, so you can talk about Alaska without her getting involved.
  • As children, we were taught that Alaska is very cold, and yet all the maps we were shown as children placed Alaska in the South Pacific next to Hawaii.
  • Turns out maps are the tools of our imperialist masters, and lie regularly and intentionally.
  • Alaska is way up north.
  • Part of it lies within the Arctic Circle, probably.
  • If we’re completely honest, it should be Canada.
  • Alaska’s just the left part of Canada.
  • But it’s a state, technically, ever since a Secretary of State named Seward bought it from Russia.
  • I do not know how Russia owned Alaska; perhaps they were claiming the Siberian land bridge as an easement.
  • People mocked Seward for the purchase and hounded him out of his office.
  • He became a theatrical producer and put on a show called “Seward’s Follies.”
  • I think.
  • The whole of Alaska was unexplored wilderness back then, as opposed to the most of Alaska that’s unexplored wilderness now; Seward got a good deal, depending on how you look at it.
  • Alaska produces a lot of stuff.
  • On the other hand, everything it produces is terrible: gold, and oil, and Jewel.
  • So, Alaska gets itself bought and then sometime later becomes a state.
  • You can fill in the dates if you’d like.
  • I would guess that Alaska became a territory right after they found gold, and a state right after they had amassed enough gold to buy their way into Congress.
  • That’s how it happened in Deadwood, and I’m assuming Alaska was no different.
  • Wait: I forgot about the native population.
  • Funny how that happens.
  • The Inuit (and other tribes I cannot name, so let’s just call them all Inuit) had been there a while, doing the whole natural-living thing.
  • Which, if we’re honest, sounds awful.
  • You know my proclivities, Enthusiasts: all so-called “primitive” forms of society utterly repulse me, as I have been made soft by luxury.
  • I don’t want to live in a yurt, or a treehouse, or a hogan, or a wigwam; none of these have wifi.
  • Living in harmony with nature sounds shitty.
  • But living in harmony with nature in Alaska sounds shittiest.
  • The Inuit made knives from the bones of seals and walrus; they lit their lamps with whale oil; they made doodies in holes in the snow.
  • It sounds like a nightmare.
  • Are you trying to prove something, Inuits?
  • Just start walking south.
  • Or take some of those impressive kayaks I had to learn about nineteen times in grade school.
  • Put the beach on your left and start paddling.
  • You could be in San Diego in a few months.
  • But you did not do this, Inuits: you looked around, became snowblind, was eaten several times by several bears, and said, “This is the place.”
  • You’re kinda losing my sympathy here, Inuits.
  • Inuits used to be called Eskimos and were, if I recall, well-represented in racist imagery of all kinds.
  • The Eskimo in his parka would often be found right next to the Indian in his warpaint.
  • Occasionally, he would have a penguin friend, even though there are no penguins in Alaska.
  • Which is weird, because every other animal that can survive the winter lives in Alaska by the billion.
  • There are all sorts of bears, and moose, and foxes, and mountain lions, and ‘squatch.
  • The ‘squatch up there turn white in the winter for camouflage.
  • Most of the interior of Alaska is uninhabited and unexplored and nature just does whatever she wants.
  • People live near the coast in Nome, Juno, and Anchorage.
  • There is also a town called Wasilla, and we all know why we know this information, and let’s move on.
  • Nome has a bit of poetry to its name, but I assure you: these are horrible places full of sin and meth and screamed arguments.
  • And they’re expensive as hell: orange juice is ten bucks a carton.
  • Because you’re not supposed to have orange juice at that latitude.
  • Or wood.
  • Everything has to be shipped up, but wages are high, so I guess it works out.
  • Not only is there no income tax, every Alaskan citizen gets a yearly check from the state.
  • They literally have to pay people to live there.
  • Partly because of the polar bears.
  • In Alaska, you leave things unlocked–cars, houses–because someone might need to run inside due to polar bear attack.
  • Some people would choose an alternative form of protection–not living where there are polar bears–but not Alaskans.
  • You’re being a hypocrite, you’ll say: TotD, you can’t be more than a couple hundred yards from a gator right now.
  • Stop interrupting the Without Research bit, I’d say; also, comparing alligators to polar bears is more than slightly silly.
  • Alligators do not creep into town and then sprint at speeds approaching 40 mph towards people.
  • Alligators enjoy lakes and rivers; they do not crash through the doors of hunting lodges and eat everyone inside in a death orgy of ursine fury.
  • Sure, if you go swimming with one, it will attempt to eat you, but that’s just because alligators are dumb and classify the world into two categories: Things That Do Not Exist, and Food.
  • Gator wasn’t trying to be a dick.
  • Polar bears, on the other hand, will choose humans over other food sources.
  • Every year, hundreds or dozens or several or Earl from two blocks over gets eaten by polar bears.
  • (I am not confident in giving exact numbers, but I will state with certainty that–at the very least–one person in Alaska was eaten by a polar bear, and that guy’s name was Earl. Earl had been drinking.)
  • Perhaps you think, “Oh, that rapscallion TotD, always making with the haha,” go look up polar bears and towns and bullshit like that.
  • THE MONSTERS WANDER THROUGH TOWN EATING CHILDREN.
  • No other animal enjoys eating us so much, except tigers.
  • Even other bears don’t pull polar bear bullshit.
  • Remember Grizzly Man?
  • The documentary about the guy who lived in Alaska with the grizzlies?
  • Yes, the bears ate him, but it took years of him deserving it.
  • He would try to pet the damn things.
  • After a while, the bears had to eat him or they would have lost their street cred.
  • But it was just business.
  • Polar bears, on the other hand, relish the shrieks of fear as they chase you through a playground.
  • Y’know what?
  • Climate change is killing the polar bears?
  • Good.
  • Once the polar bears are rampaging through town gobbling down children and pets, it’s time to burn the village in order to save it.
  • Many famous people have come from Alaska, but I can only think of two and I already mentioned Jewel and we’re not mentioning the other one, so I guess we’re done here.
  • When Netflix gets Northern Exposure, you will not hear from me for a while.
  • Now we’re done.
  • I will probably not watch the Paul Provenza episodes.
  • Paul Provenza was to Northern Exposure what Vince was to the Dead.
  • Now we’re done.
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