Thoughts on the Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Piano Bar

bobby phil old piano arena

Bobby bellied up to the piano, demanded a Brown Viking (that was Bobby’s name for two Vicodin washed down with Dewar’s), and the show that evening was just how you’d assume it was.

California Girls

bobby girl young guy old

Bobby saw the tights and he didn’t know the name for them. There was a specific name for them–there is for everything, Bobby reasoned–but he didn’t know it; he could pick those leggings out at a glance, though. He thought of them as fractalized fishnets or paisley-patched punkers. Girls had been wearing them forever, it seemed: they used to wear them in the hotel hallways in the old days when Tuesdays were a party night because no one had any idea what day it was.

Girls wearing those tights were never Deadheads: they would go out of their way to mention it and Bobby liked that, laughed at that. “Then why are you here?” he would ask them and they would just laugh. Bobby would laugh, too, if they were cute.

Rock Books I Have Not Read Yet

  • Sugar Hill, Diabetes Valley by the Fat Guy from the Sugar Hill Gang.
  • Jersey’s Got Tallent by Garry W. Tallent, bassist of the E Street Band.
  • John Christmas! Mellencamp: Stories, Recipes, and Holiday Fun with John and the Gang! by John Cougar Mellencamp.
  • Vinnie Didn’t Vici by Vinnie Vincent.
  • Fuck Gregg Allman by Dickie Betts.
  • Calvin the Curious Herpe by Nikki Sixx. (This is a children’s book.)
  • Let us Now Praise Famous Dongs: Rock Stars I Have Enmouthed by Sweet Connie from Arkansas.
  • Other Things I Cannot Do by Meg White.

Marco Bolo

bobby old shirtless

Naked to the chest and sopping wet, Bobby would take on all comers at games of Marco Polo that always ended in tears.

Close To Me

phil ryan adams leather jacket bed

If Phil likes you, you’ll know it: he likes to sit real close and more often than not will ask you to “touch it.”

Fedora The Explorer

bobby fedora two randos

Since the invention of the head, men have worn hats. 90% of those men have looked like schmucks.

Take The E Train

Dear Doctors Without Borders:

Please stop helping the Ebola.



Stand-Up, Bass

phil standup comic

The excitement that Martin Scorsese will be producing the new Major Motion Picture documentary about the dead was tempered slightly by the revelation that fully half of the film is Phil doing his stand-up routine.

Rejected Titles For The Scorsese Documentary

  • The Wolf of Shakedown Street
  • Bringing Out the Dead
  • Cape Weir
  • The Last Temptation of Pigpen (Thanks to Commentor DJ50000000000000 for that one.)
  • Raging Bear
  • Garcia Doesn’t Live Here Anymore
  • The Last Noodle Dance
  • Deadfellas
  • Gangs of Marin County

Hoist That Flag

bobby pirate family

“Damn and blast ye HIDES, ya landlubbin’ scoundrels!”

“It’s such an honor to meet you, Bob. We’re all such huge fans of everything you’ve–“

“YAAAAAAR, a prize lance of scuppers thou be, with some for it lack a booboo day MUCH THUSLY!”

“–ever done and…um, are you having a stroke?”

“Of no use to me the man is, ‘cept for what that crew of scurvy dogs of mine might do to his soft, fat ass.”

“Hey now. No need for that kind of talk.”

“The women and children: are they of the purest White? No Welsh in there now? It affects their price, y’see.”

“Come to me, kids. Don’t talk to the pirate man.”


“That doesn’t even make any sense, Bob.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“You all right, big guy?”

“Long tour, brother.”


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