Thoughts on the Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Sins Of The Father

A Deadhead names his first child Stella.

An Enthusiast names his second child The Other One.

Damn Near Kilt ‘Em

Both Bobby and Brent were with the Scottish for purely aesthetic reasons: Bobby admired a people who shared his love of the manly gam (this might explain Bobby’s secret funding of the Bermuda Revolution of Tuesday Afternoon, which was a failure as far as revolutions go, but as a party was also disastrous); Brent–as you know–digs the ginger face ‘fro.

Billy laid out a rather cogent and balanced argument for keeping the UK together: he touched on the pound, membership in the EU, debt load, and he made special note of the nuclear missiles that Scotland would immediately demand England take back, except there is no place at all to put them (legally, at least), so you would have a handful of orphaned nukes which could only lead to one scenario: the missiles growing up to be Batman.

Then, in an impressive display of rhetoric, Billy laid out the case for Independence: Scots are richer than the English, and more liberal: they want more of a Scandinavian-style womb-to-tomb society and they have the oil to fund it, for a while at least. Also, they hate the English: poncy little twatwaffle college fucks, the lot of ‘em.

Caledonians, Billy explained, were a bumptious lot prone to scrabbling and feuds. Scotland’s national anthem is the sound of someone getting bitten on the neck. Never underestimate the capacity for violence of a people the Romans couldn’t wrangle.

Then Billy punched the Loch Ness Monster in her dick.

Garcia was going to weigh in, but while he was updating his OS, he accidentally set a mid-sized arboretum on fire and once you get one of those things burning, it’s going to go for a bit. Silver lining: it smells like heaven’s asshole for miles around.

Saturday’s Child All Grown

Billy has no idea what everyone’s problem with Adrian Peterson is: he once disciplined Justin by hurling a homemade razor-tipped boomerang at him that, because Billy is neither good at making things nor an Aboriginal hunter, sailed wide right and hit a police horse.

Bobby has never thought about employing any kind of violence on his children, as he was not taught it as a kid. (Punishing children by hitting them is like smoking or religion: you have to learn it as a kid; no adult would ever decide on it after contemplation.)  Bobby does, however, continue the cycle his parents began by constantly attempting to send his offspring to ranches.

Also, Bobby’s an old dad. He’s lucky if he can get your name within three tries: he has been calling his younger daughter by the dog’s name for four months now and she has become strangely zen about it.

(Bobby has spanked many teenagers, but it should be noted that none of them were related to him and they were all very, very naughty girls.)

Whenever Graham or Brian did something bad, Phil would make them listen to Seastones.

Lend A Hand

bobby guy young lady shoulders

Behind the poster, Bobby’s getting an AC/DC two-hander and life is good.

Don’t Sleeve Me

bobby confused sleeves

“What the hell are those things covering his arms?”

From The Brave Heart Of Me

I would have more of an opinion on Scottish Independence had I not thought Scotland and Ireland were different names for the same place (like Holland and The Netherlands) until sadly recently.

Meet And Greet

bobby young lady oh yeah

There is an unmistakable “last known photo taken of the missing co-ed” vibe about this picture. It should have an 800 number you can call and leave tips anonymously chyron’ed onto it.


Upon noticing the similarity in color between his shirt and the walls, Bobby plastered himself into a corner and thought he was invisible; the promoter played along for a while.


The Cuervo Gold and the fine Colombian truly do make tonight a wonderful thing.


Bobby liked to dramatically swipe the high quality snack table clean before propping a teen fox upon it, but he grabbed the humus first.


His wedding ring was cold against her shoulder; his boner was warm against her hip.

My Big Brother Esau

band 1984 sign

This photo, in true Grateful Dead fashion, was taken in September ’82.

Color Blind

“Could you end racism by splorking everyone’s’ eyeballs out with an ice cream scoop?” was a question that haunted Phil for years. It might be brilliant, he thought: a game-changer, a paradigm shifter, a better mousetrap.

Phil also knew, instinctively, that even operating under the loose constraints on thought and expression and hygiene of the Dead, that he wanted to hold this idea close to his chest.

One long night, after the coke and Heineken and teen foxes had run dry, Phil and Billy sat up talking. They had both lost their keys or forgot their room numbers or were in the wrong hotel altogether; they sat across from each other in the hallway on the floor. Both of them were in their socks and Billy punctuated his jokes with blasts from a fire extinguisher he had ripped off a wall along with the brackets and some wallpaper and a goodly chunk of drywall.

After not too long, Phil asked Billy his question and Billy cocked his head, narrowed his eyes, set down the fire extinguisher, picked it back up, sprayed a random hotel guest walking through down the hallway, answered Phil:

“Racism finds a way.”

Phil went to say something, but Billy had already pegged the random hotel guest with the fire extinguisher and it seemed like the conversation was over.

Greatest Origin Story Ever Told

mickey derp old

Anecdotes, eyewitness reports, hospital records, and cancelled tours notwithstanding, Mickey has complete confidence in his driving abilities. If ever questioned about, say, his speed or the tallboy nestled in his crotch, he would–even in a hairpin turn or elementary school parking lot–lock eyes with you and begin explaining that he considered himself to be sort of a super-driver, since “this car was sold to me by a radioactive car salesman.”

Then, almost invariably, the car would roll down the embankment; Mickey would maintain eye contact the whole way.

Also: derp.


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